Sobriety Does Not Mean Everyone Has To Forgive You - And, no, it Doesn't Make You A Victim

I would like to preface this blog with a statement before I jump into it:

I am the child of an addict. My parents are the children of addicts. I have family members on both sides who are addicts. I have dear friends who are recovering addicts. 

Addiction has caused some of my loved ones a lifetime of pain. I have seen some of those same loved ones recover from active addiction and make the daily (in some cases, hourly) commitment to their sobriety, and I think they are pretty much superheroes. I have nothing but admiration and respect for people who are fighting - who get knocked down and get the fuck back up every time. 

I am fairly certain that the only reason I escaped drug and alcohol addiction is due to the fact that I have a near-paralyzing fear of taking medicine, pills, etc... The prospect of addiction terrifies me so much that it has kept me from that path. I have other struggles and demons of my own I battle, and have made it a challenge for people to be around me in many (many) other ways. 

But only by the grace of additional glitches in my own mental health genes, I have not struggled with drugs and alcohol. If I did, I'm sure I'd be dead because I am nowhere near as strong as those I've mentioned above.

All that being said, if you are an addict, and you've alienated, abused, or just flat-out pissed off people in your life, they are under no obligation to let you back in. None.  

I know that seems harsh, and I don't mean it to be. For me, I have family and friends who I would forgive just about anything. I will be there to help them through their struggle - to love them unconditionally. If you come to me on Step 9 , I am nearly 100% likely to listen and forgive. But, if you come to that step and complain that you're a victim of anything other than addiction or abuse that led you to addiction (e.g., you can't believe old friends don't want to talk to you anymore, your grandma won't give you money anymore, your partner doesn't want to move back in and how dare they) I'm not interested.

A quick anecdote; my biological father was absent most of my life. He is an addict. When I was 15, he came back into my life. He had been sober for a long time and wanted to re-connect. I actually moved in with him for a couple of years. 

In that time, I saw him treat people (especially women) horribly. I saw him lie, steal and manipulate others. He was not a person I wanted in my life anymore and by the time I was 19 and I cut him out completely. Just because he had gotten clean, did not mean he was a person I had to keep in my life.

When I told him how I felt, he sent me a note in the mail - "I will miss your sense of humor, your quick wit and your smile."

There was no "Hey, hold on. What can I do to fix this?" He was the sad victim of yet another person abandoning him. 

So, why am I sharing this anecdote?

Because recently, I had a friend publicly, online, engage in a conversation that targeted me negatively. He engaged with, and encouraged, others who were also speaking badly of me. It sucked. It hurt. And when I told him I had seen it and was hurt, there was almost no acknowledgment. There was first a "you misunderstood - that's not what I meant", and then there was nothing. After ten years of friendship - nothing. 

Until a blog post. 

He posted a blog about his struggle with alcoholism (of which I was totally unaware). He called out (although not by name) people who have walked away from him and how hurt he was about that. He posted about projects that fell apart or were assigned to others. His upset about others reactions was far more palpable than his upset with himself.

So, here's what I have to say about the people who choose to walk away from an addict - it's their choice. Yes, it sucks. It hurts like hell to lose friends, colleagues, jobs, family. But this is one of the many horrible effects of the disease of addiction. This is the fallout. There are casualties.

Just as the addict must decide which relationships are best to keep for their sobriety and overall well-being, the circle of the addict must also decide if they can continue the relationship. The addiction is like a grenade and not every relationship makes it through the explosion in one piece - or at all. 

So, if you are a recovering or struggling addict and you have lost longtime friends or family, I am sorry for you. I really am. But that is something for you to heal from and not the responsibility of the walk-away-er. They're gonna have their own healing to do. 

My advice to you if you've hurt someone during the course of your addiction is this: Do your steps. Go to meetings. Apologize when you are in a place to do so. Be clear about where you'd like to see your friendship go from here. And then let them decide what's best for them, and respect it. Also, be aware that getting clean does not mean that you're automatically a good person. Do the work you need to do to figure out what you were using the alcohol or drugs to cover or avoid. Take meds if you need them. Re-evaluate who you are as a human being.

Don't call your loved ones out. Don't guilt them. Don't play the victim. If they choose to not have a relationship with you, respect that. There are many victims of addiction. Give them the space to heal as well - especially if you are brand new to your sobriety. Give them a minute. If they want to reach back, they will. You may lose friends, but you will also make new ones. 

If you are struggling with addiction and need immediate help, you can go to SAMHSA's website. If you can't find a local AA or NA meeting, there are some sites that offer online meetings that you can go to right now. 

Be well for you first. 

Kale. Huh. Good God - What Is It Good For? When Your Vegan Expectations Are Too High

I juiced an entire colander of kale this morning. Because we lost power for a day, *note to self - open your mail sometimes*, I wanted to use up as much stuff as I could before the settling mush made them inedible.

Kale, celery, the last remaining recognizable peach, blueberries, and carrots. The guinea pig and I just saved about $20 in produce from ending up in the trash. (Thanks, Hammy!)

As I sucked down my concoction, I was thinking about how fucking healthy I was being this morning. After all, there's vitamin something in non-specific cancer-fighting amounts in all that stuff. Also, they are probably good for any number of my various health issues. I'm sure of it. I can feel the miracles hard at work in my gut right now. But do I know what combinations of nutrients I took in? Nope. But, it's gonna fix me right up.

But I know better. All I've really done is drink all the food that was going bad in my refrigerator.

I've been vegan for about a year now. Before I went vegan (or plant-based for those of you who will say I cannot be vegan unless I'm doing so solely for ethical reasons. Also, chill out.) I had high cholesterol, autoimmune disease, fibromyalgia, arthritis, depression, anxiety, interstitial cystitis, adenomyosis, vitamin D deficiency and gastritis.

A year after going completely vegan, here's what's changed:

I still have high cholesterol, autoimmune disease, fibromyalgia, arthritis, depression, anxiety, interstitial cystitis, adenomyosis, vitamin D deficiency and gastritis. I now also have a kidney stone. In all fairness, I probably had this kidney stone for a long time, but only found out now. I used to eat candy corn by the warehouse-sized bags. It is no one's fault but my own.

At this point, you may be thinking this is an anti-vegan blog post. It is not. I'm still vegan (ok, plant-based. Shut up.)

But, here's what I've learned:

Going vegan is not a cure-all. It could be for you - but don't bank on it. I found myself watching "Forks Over Knives" and "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" as if they were gospel. They are great documentaries. I actually love all the food documentaries. Even if I don't agree with them all 100%, I  love watching people on their journey to better health. I love it when they can come off of their blood pressure medication, insulin, etc... It makes me happy :)

But, if you go into veganism thinking it will be the miracle cure for all your ills, you may be disappointed. I was. The more my various health issues caused me pain, the more I had to eliminate certain foods from my diet (as my doctors suggested I do). This created other problems for me, which you can read about in my blog "When Medical Issues Reboot Eating Disorders."

So, I had to chill for a minute and re-think my expectations while measuring them against the big picture.

Here's what else I've noticed:

There has been no progression of my diseases (with the exception of the gastritis/reflux - which required medication I was not taking.) I am not sicker. A lot of my issues are progressive - and by and large, they have not progressed. I believe whole-heartedly that changing the way I eat has benefited me. Cutting down on sugar (which either way is "vegan" unless it has bone char) has been the most beneficial to my health. That was my biggest struggle, and I have made great strides there.

I have lost what seems to be a "permanent" ten pounds. I am at a normal weight, and that's pretty cool and good for my overall health. I attribute this to cutting back on all the sugar I was eating, however, and not the plant-based diet. Just an assumption - don't @ me.

Halting the progression of disease is still a success. If you are like me and expected a complete reversal of all your ills because you've gone plant-based, you might be tempted to say "Fuck it! This shit doesn't work" and head to your nearest McDonalds. I don't blame you. I've been there too.

I'm lazy about food. I don't like to cook and pretty much suck at it. I don't take my vitamins like I'm supposed to. B12 and Vitamin D are imperative to take if you're plant-based or you're going to feel like ass. These are things that probably definitely set me back in my health goals. While I have a love/hate relationship with Cronometer, I have to say it is really useful in monitoring the nutrients you are actually taking in in a day. If you feel like shit, you might want to investigate what you may be missing because I promise you, McDonald's is not gonna fix it.

The point of this rambling "is this pro-vegan or anti-vegan?" blog is to have reasonable expectations or just no expectations at all. Eating more fruits and veggies is usually a good thing. If all you have to eat in the house is animal-based, or eating an animal product makes your life easier for a bit, do that.

A friend told me that veganism isn't about perfection. It's about doing the least amount of harm to the animals, the environment, and of course to you. Processed meats have been linked to various cancers and therefore probably best to avoid if possible.

See your doctor if you've been plant-based for awhile and aren't feeling great, or aren't seeing the results you want. There might be something else going on.

And for god's sake, please don't count on vegan Youtubers to get medical or nutritional advice. They're pretty much all crazy.

But, by all means, please do enjoy my video on how to sneak vegan food into an amusement park that doesn't allow outside food. Be well. Literally. However you have to get there. :)

The New, New Colossus

Not like the Amazonian lady of New World fame,

With welcoming arms astride from shore to shore;

Here at our greed-washed lands, golden gates shall close

A tired woman with a torch, whose flame

Is now the extinguished lightning, and her name

Mother of Dissatisfaction. 

From her heavy hand glows world-wide rejection;

Her furious eyes command

The dystopian harbor that twin cities frame.

“Conquer stolen lands, your storied pomp!” cries she

With roaring lips. “Give me your wealthy, your children,

Your English - speaking computer programmers yearning to breathe free,

The pale white Christian only of your teeming shore.

Send these, the Kings, Martha's Vineyard, and golf-tost to me,

I shut my gates beside the golden door!”

When Medical Issues Reboot Eating Disorders

So, the inner dialogue goes like this:

"I'm hungry."

"So, eat something."

"There's nothing I can eat."

"So, don't eat."

"But I'm hungry."

"Maybe a cracker?"

"I could eat a cracker. That would be ok. But what about the salt? I'm not supposed to have a lot of salt."

"True. Maybe skip the cracker."

"Ok. What about yogurt?"

"You're not supposed to eat that either. Dairy is no good for you."

"Yes, but I'm hungry. Maybe half a yogurt?"

"Do you really want to risk it?"

"No. You're right."

"I could have a sandwich. Like maybe with just lettuce?"

"A sandwich takes too long to put together. Maybe you should wait and re-visit this at lunch."

"Ok. Good idea. A sandwich will just make me fat anyway. Bread is evil."

And, at lunch, this conversation will occur again. And at dinner. And at breakfast the next day as my stomach eats a hole into itself and my back aches from it. I take my stomach medicine so the acid doesn't come up during the night and choke me. I sleep with little straw next to my bed just like the doctor told me to. The straws will open up my vocal chords when I am struggling to breathe. I keep the straws everywhere. I look like I have a cocaine problem.

It started with gynecological conditions. Dairy and meat went away. Autoimmune disease - no fried foods. No sugar. Nothing inflammatory. Then, high cholesterol. No more oil. Interstitial cystitis - no coffee, no tea, no nightshades, no nicotine, no citrus, nothing spicy. Kidney stone - no nuts, no calcium (ok some calcium, but not TOO much), drink lots of lemon water and apple cider vinegar (except don't because ulcers and reflux - go check on your straws).

My weight goes down, but it's great because it's not anorexia this time, I'm just following doctor's orders.

I get an x-ray because everything hurts. The tech wraps the x-ray shield around me and proclaims me small. I am confused. The doctor then weighs me and says I don't have a weight problem.

Quacks.

My life, to my great glee, is once again revolving around food restriction.

I am depressed. My doctor gives me Lexapro. I do not take it. It will make me fat. I'm sure of it.

I contract a stomach virus. As I vomit violently, I think to myself that I can't wait to weigh myself in the morning. I lose three pounds. That's all. I am still too heavy. I am sad.

Enter the saltines again. This is what one eats when they've had a stomach virus. I eat this for the next two days - just in case. I do not drink the ginger-ale. It's not good for my reflux, interstitial cystitis or my liver. Water only. I vape obsessively. I was told to quit by my doctors, but I resent them for taking everything away from me and fuck that shit.

I have total control and none at the same time.

Food addiction and related eating disorders are the most difficult ones to treat in my opinion. I am not minimizing the hell of alcoholism and drug addiction, but you cannot avoid food. You have to have it to stay alive. It's like telling any other addict you must have some heroin every day, but not too much.

This morning, as the room spins, I decide on oatmeal. It is simple. It's one thing. The instructions say one cup. I obediently dump exactly one cup into a bowl. Well, that's ridiculous. That's way too much. I take out 1/3. I eat 1/2 of the 1/3. I am suddenly good at math.

Now, I'm hungry again. What the fuck is wrong with me? I just had breakfast! Animal. Go vape and get that shit under control.

And, just like that, I'm sucked back in. It was sneaky this time. I wasn't dieting. Yes, I believed (and believe) I was fat. But I was in remission and doing great (liar). 

At best, the recovery rate for eating disorders is about 60%. At worst, you die. As with any addiction, you are never "cured." You are always in either a state of remission or relapse. It is always present. It follows you around, skulking in your kitchen and under your bed whispering - pretending it is your best friend and is trying to help you. It knows everything about you and uses that knowledge to "feed" you lies.

Even as I type this, I am contemplating the applesauce cups on my kitchen counter. But I just had oatmeal, so I elbow those thoughts in the face and move along. I overfeed my children, along with anyone else's because I have no idea what a normal amount of food is and children can't just eat crackers.

I was afraid to write this. I was afraid that anyone who didn't know this about me would feel sorry for me. Or think I was crazy. Or think I was just being negative and attention seeking. But, a co-worker and I were discussing mental health yesterday, and how the secretiveness of mental illness is a death sentence in the big picture. Sometimes we have to bring out the ugly - the scary. Sometimes we have to speak it, not because we want to, but because we don't want to hide in the shadows clutching the illness' hand trying not to be found.

And then there is the fear of those dreaded words that, without fail, always make an appearance - "Well, you don't look anorexic." Side note: the correct term is "anorectic", which is also a misnomer because we are really fucking hungry. Don't let us fool you. We could out-eat Kobayashi.

Sometimes you want to let that grip go for a minute and say, "You wait here. I have to go talk to someone real quick, but I'll be back". I don't want to go back, but if I don't, it will find me anyway.

And, it will be pissed.

Fifty Shades of Nope

Hi all! I'm back to ruin your "Fifty Shades Freed" movie plans. Happy Valentine's Day!

A few years ago, when "Fifty Shades of Grey" was released on Amazon, I rented it. I had a credit, so it was no skin off my debit card, and I sure as hell wasn't going to invest the time in reading the entire book.

But, I didn't want to comment on something I hadn't even seen, and frankly, I wanted to see what everyone was losing their minds over. I had read excerpts from the book posted online and found it hilarious...initially.

The hilarity faded as I saw Mr. Grey stalk Anastasia, ignore safe words, and flat out abuse her while she bent over backward (almost literally) in an attempt to make him love her. 

She was not at all a willing participant in the BDSM world. And he was no dom. By his own admission, he was a "sadist" who just enjoyed hurting women. The final scene of the movie featured Grey hitting Anastasia several times, and her crying and fleeing the apartment.

What the fuck just happened? Disregard the bad writing of the novel (granted, I'd only read excerpts, but they were poorly written enough for me to get the point), and you're left with an equally bad movie. But kudos for keeping the movie true to the stupidity of the book.

Women surely would not stand for this, I'd thought. All the women who headed out to the movies on Valentine's Day, their boyfriends or husbands in tow, to witness a man emotionally and physically abuse a college student had to have been disgusted with it, right? I mean, teenage girls weren't able to really perceive the abuse that was the Edward and Bella relationship, but these were grown ass women.

No way were they falling for this "oh, poor baby - his mother was a crack whore and he just doesn't know what love is and I can change him" narrative. Women would surely call bullshit on Fifty Shades, wouldn't they?

No. Apparently, not.

So, again, on Valentine's Day, "Fifty Shades Darker" was released. And again, I rented the movie. Because it had to get better.

It didn't.

After Anastasia rids herself of sociopath Christian, he shows up at her friend's art show, dick swinging, and purchases all the photos of Anastasia whom he still views as his property. And she goes right back to him.

Right fucking back.

And this time, she has her sights set on making him a functional human being. She tries landing him by giving in to whatever bullshit he wants while using it as leverage to get things she wants - like an ounce of respect.

Well, that seems healthy.

Oops! Wrong dysfunctional Anastasia.

Fans of the "Fifty Shades" series have touted them for bringing BDSM out of the closet and onto the backs of our toilet tanks and tub edges. But does "Fifty Shades" really understand the BDSM
culture? I think, not.

What E.L. James failed to steal from "Secretary", was the trust, love, and commitment a true Dom/Sub (D/s) relationship needs to have.

She led millions of women everywhere to believe that a man with gross emotional problems and sociopathic tendencies who abuses and stalks a partner, really just needs someone to understand him and show him what "real" love is. I can't think of a more dangerous message.

It's an ever-growing theme in "women's" literature: the theme of abuse/domination = love. It perpetuates the age-old problem of women making excuses for abusive behavior and believing that if they just love him more, he will change. True BDSM relationships do not work this way.

In my blog post, The Victimization of Women in Romance Novels, I address the increasing popularity of romance novels that feature possessive, domineering men who seek to possess, control and own women. The "Fifty Shades" books are the catalyst for the increasing demand for such fiction.

(I tried to find a GIF to put here, but they all contained shapeshifters and aliens and shit, so here's one of Peter Dinklage for no reason.)

As we wear the Pussy Hat and march on Washington, it would be great if we could also demand more from our movies and literature. There is a difference between exploring our sexuality and supporting dysfunctional messages about relationships. So, as you make your Valentine's Day plans, maybe contemplate the message "Fifty Shades" sends women (and frighteningly, men) about love and romance. Never ignore the red flags in a relationship.

And, in case you're not sure what the red flags might be, here's a partial list;

1) If he has a tracker on your phone so he can "always find you", or you find him in your apartment, and you never gave him a key - run.

2) If he ignores safe words and seems to enjoy hurting you - run.

3) If he consistently attempts to talk you into to shit you don't want to do - run.

4) If he refers to you as his "property" at any time - run.

5) If he tells you this is just who he is and cannot change - believe him.

If you have trouble doing any of the above for any reason, contact these people - The National Center for Victims of Crime - Stalking Safety Plan

And, here's a list of other shit you can go see on Valentine's Day.  New Movies

If you want danger, go bungee jumping. You're more likely to come out of that unharmed than you would trying to change an abusive asshole.

Now, here's my all-time favorite trailer for "Fifty Shades of Grey" starring the great Steve Buscemi.

Happy V-Day Y'all!

Why We Need to Stop Calling Ansari Aziz a Rapist

Oh, god. I didn't want to say all this. But, I have to.

It's been eating away at me while I wait for us all to have the conversation that needs to be had.

And we're not. I've been watching weeks of debate about the Ansari Aziz incident.  Is he a sex offender? Is he just pushy and rude? Is he stupid? Women, once again, have divided themselves over this issue. On one side, we have those who feel he sexually assaulted Grace during that date. On the other, we have people accusing her of regretting the consensual sex they had.

Most of us have been there. Most of us have felt overly pressured or coerced into sex acts we didn't want to engage in. But, we did - and regretted it.

So, I am going to preface what I'm about to say next by first saying that I believe every word of Grace's account of the date. I believe he was pushy, aggressive and intimidating. I believe she felt coerced, violated and angry. I am not here to discount or analyze how any woman feels about a sexual encounter, nor am I implying that he wasn't wrong in his actions.

But, Ansari Aziz is not a rapist. By the account given, he did not sexually assault her. And, we need to stop calling it assault.

Brock Turner is a rapist. Emily Doe was a victim of rape.

Larry Nassar is a rapist. All 150 women who stood against him recently were victims of sexual assault.

We have been calling people like Al Franken and Garrison Keillor out on their "sexual assault," and I feel like it's hurting the conversation about sexual violence.

What happened to Grace is a symptom of a much bigger problem: why do women feel like they can't safely say "no" and leave if they are able?

I feel like the answer is the rape culture we have been raised in. Since the beginning of humanity, women have been treated as property. We have been conditioned to accept the will of men and to be compliant with abuse, aggression, and intimidation. We have been taught to be "obedient," and compliant.

Men, in turn, have been taught that women must be all of the above as well. If a woman says "no," perhaps she is just being coy or playing "hard to get." Perhaps if he asks 500 more times, she will 'give in". And, sometimes we do. The man, as it seems to be in Aziz's case, decides she really does like him after all, and secretly wanted sex all the while. Women, like Grace, go home feeling violated.

Spending generations in a rape culture which is prevalent in T.V., books, movies, and the workplace, there is a desensitization that occurs. Perhaps it's due to generations of boys and men being taught to be "tough," aggressive, and unemotional. I don't know, and it's not an excuse to ignore the initial word "no."

But the conversation needs to focus on why women still do not feel safe enough to say "You know what? No. I'm not going to hang out and watch Netflix. I am leaving because I'm uncomfortable with you."

For me, I know that the times I have stayed and regretted something I did, there was a fear that if I said no, things might turn violent anyway. I questioned if I was allowed to say "no" to someone I liked. The boundaries were confusing. I came from a childhood of sexual abuse and was raped as a young woman. Those boundaries would have been a lot clearer had I not been raised in a culture that seeks to silence women. And, the boundaries would have been clearer to the boys/men I didn't think I could say no to had they not been raised to be "dominant."

In my blog, The Victimization of Women in Romance, I address (albeit more lightly) the fact that we are still confusing domination with love. Books and movies like "Fifty Shades of Grey" and "Twilight" are still teaching women that we should want to be controlled and dominated. That to be controlled is to be loved.

And, we are buying the books and movie tickets in record numbers.

This is where the conversation needs to be. We should be dismantling the system that tells us it's not ok to say "no" and leave because it feels wrong. Being pressured and coerced does not mean the man loves you so much he just cannot help himself.

Yes, we need to call out every person who violates another sexually and stand firmly against it.

But, throwing the words "assault" and "rape" around because a man puts his hand on your back during a photo op (as in Keillor's case) is giving those who seek to discredit the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements the ammunition to do it.

Our words need to have power. Desensitizing people to the word "rape" is a dangerous path to tread. Calling coercion "assault" takes away from what assault is, as well as the severity of it.

I feel terribly for Grace. Ansari made her feel a way that no women would feel had there been "enthusiastic consent." Yes, he should have read her signals better. Yes, he acted like a pig.

But, this was not an assault. As unpopular as my opinion on this might be, I need to reclaim these words for sexual violence, or else mine, as well as others experiences, lose meaning if they are lumped in with every date on which the man acts like an ass.

If you have been assaulted, harassed or coerced and need to speak with someone, click under the heart below to find your local chapter of RAINN. They are there to listen, and not to judge. Your feelings about any sexual encounter should be honored, no matter what the circumstance. Speaking out is how we dismantle this broken world we live in.

RAINN

Love Letter

We were nothing. The universe was black and silent. And, in a flash of light, we collided. Entire systems exploded into the nothing. We could see.

Stars grew and shined. Some retracted into themselves and faded back into the silence and the dark. Others expanded - reaching out to warm the empty spaces. We grieved the loss of the smaller stars while the giants burned in indignation and rejection.

So young, we were.  So narrow our vision. We saw only what went missing. We saw the negative space between the suns.

We wished we were warmer as the flames around us burned hotter in compliance. But, we grew colder still.

Our eyes adjusted to the light too quickly. What was once a white burning supernova, seemed dim as the darkness crept in our peripheral vision.  A quiet, titanic sleep was upon us.

We two young planets were plunged back into the night. But, we will wake someday soon. We will be born again in the same darkness.

Next time, let's see the sun.