Fifty Shades of Nope

Hi all! I'm back to ruin your "Fifty Shades Freed" movie plans. Happy Valentine's Day!

A few years ago, when "Fifty Shades of Grey" was released on Amazon, I rented it. I had a credit, so it was no skin off my debit card, and I sure as hell wasn't going to invest the time in reading the entire book.

But, I didn't want to comment on something I hadn't even seen, and frankly, I wanted to see what everyone was losing their minds over. I had read excerpts from the book posted online and found it hilarious...initially.

The hilarity faded as I saw Mr. Grey stalk Anastasia, ignore safe words, and flat out abuse her while she bent over backward (almost literally) in an attempt to make him love her. 

She was not at all a willing participant in the BDSM world. And he was no dom. By his own admission, he was a "sadist" who just enjoyed hurting women. The final scene of the movie featured Grey hitting Anastasia several times, and her crying and fleeing the apartment.

What the fuck just happened? Disregard the bad writing of the novel (granted, I'd only read excerpts, but they were poorly written enough for me to get the point), and you're left with an equally bad movie. But kudos for keeping the movie true to the stupidity of the book.

Women surely would not stand for this, I'd thought. All the women who headed out to the movies on Valentine's Day, their boyfriends or husbands in tow, to witness a man emotionally and physically abuse a college student had to have been disgusted with it, right? I mean, teenage girls weren't able to really perceive the abuse that was the Edward and Bella relationship, but these were grown ass women.

No way were they falling for this "oh, poor baby - his mother was a crack whore and he just doesn't know what love is and I can change him" narrative. Women would surely call bullshit on Fifty Shades, wouldn't they?

No. Apparently, not.

So, again, on Valentine's Day, "Fifty Shades Darker" was released. And again, I rented the movie. Because it had to get better.

It didn't.

After Anastasia rids herself of sociopath Christian, he shows up at her friend's art show, dick swinging, and purchases all the photos of Anastasia whom he still views as his property. And she goes right back to him.

Right fucking back.

And this time, she has her sights set on making him a functional human being. She tries landing him by giving in to whatever bullshit he wants while using it as leverage to get things she wants - like an ounce of respect.

Well, that seems healthy.

Oops! Wrong dysfunctional Anastasia.

Fans of the "Fifty Shades" series have touted them for bringing BDSM out of the closet and onto the backs of our toilet tanks and tub edges. But does "Fifty Shades" really understand the BDSM
culture? I think, not.

What E.L. James failed to steal from "Secretary", was the trust, love, and commitment a true Dom/Sub (D/s) relationship needs to have.

She led millions of women everywhere to believe that a man with gross emotional problems and sociopathic tendencies who abuses and stalks a partner, really just needs someone to understand him and show him what "real" love is. I can't think of a more dangerous message.

It's an ever-growing theme in "women's" literature: the theme of abuse/domination = love. It perpetuates the age-old problem of women making excuses for abusive behavior and believing that if they just love him more, he will change. True BDSM relationships do not work this way.

In my blog post, The Victimization of Women in Romance Novels, I address the increasing popularity of romance novels that feature possessive, domineering men who seek to possess, control and own women. The "Fifty Shades" books are the catalyst for the increasing demand for such fiction.

(I tried to find a GIF to put here, but they all contained shapeshifters and aliens and shit, so here's one of Peter Dinklage for no reason.)

As we wear the Pussy Hat and march on Washington, it would be great if we could also demand more from our movies and literature. There is a difference between exploring our sexuality and supporting dysfunctional messages about relationships. So, as you make your Valentine's Day plans, maybe contemplate the message "Fifty Shades" sends women (and frighteningly, men) about love and romance. Never ignore the red flags in a relationship.

And, in case you're not sure what the red flags might be, here's a partial list;

1) If he has a tracker on your phone so he can "always find you", or you find him in your apartment, and you never gave him a key - run.

2) If he ignores safe words and seems to enjoy hurting you - run.

3) If he consistently attempts to talk you into to shit you don't want to do - run.

4) If he refers to you as his "property" at any time - run.

5) If he tells you this is just who he is and cannot change - believe him.

If you have trouble doing any of the above for any reason, contact these people - The National Center for Victims of Crime - Stalking Safety Plan

And, here's a list of other shit you can go see on Valentine's Day.  New Movies

If you want danger, go bungee jumping. You're more likely to come out of that unharmed than you would trying to change an abusive asshole.

Now, here's my all-time favorite trailer for "Fifty Shades of Grey" starring the great Steve Buscemi.

Happy V-Day Y'all!

Why We Need to Stop Calling Ansari Aziz a Rapist

Oh, god. I didn't want to say all this. But, I have to.

It's been eating away at me while I wait for us all to have the conversation that needs to be had.

And we're not. I've been watching weeks of debate about the Ansari Aziz incident.  Is he a sex offender? Is he just pushy and rude? Is he stupid? Women, once again, have divided themselves over this issue. On one side, we have those who feel he sexually assaulted Grace during that date. On the other, we have people accusing her of regretting the consensual sex they had.

Most of us have been there. Most of us have felt overly pressured or coerced into sex acts we didn't want to engage in. But, we did - and regretted it.

So, I am going to preface what I'm about to say next by first saying that I believe every word of Grace's account of the date. I believe he was pushy, aggressive and intimidating. I believe she felt coerced, violated and angry. I am not here to discount or analyze how any woman feels about a sexual encounter, nor am I implying that he wasn't wrong in his actions.

But, Ansari Aziz is not a rapist. By the account given, he did not sexually assault her. And, we need to stop calling it assault.

Brock Turner is a rapist. Emily Doe was a victim of rape.

Larry Nassar is a rapist. All 150 women who stood against him recently were victims of sexual assault.

We have been calling people like Al Franken and Garrison Keillor out on their "sexual assault," and I feel like it's hurting the conversation about sexual violence.

What happened to Grace is a symptom of a much bigger problem: why do women feel like they can't safely say "no" and leave if they are able?

I feel like the answer is the rape culture we have been raised in. Since the beginning of humanity, women have been treated as property. We have been conditioned to accept the will of men and to be compliant with abuse, aggression, and intimidation. We have been taught to be "obedient," and compliant.

Men, in turn, have been taught that women must be all of the above as well. If a woman says "no," perhaps she is just being coy or playing "hard to get." Perhaps if he asks 500 more times, she will 'give in". And, sometimes we do. The man, as it seems to be in Aziz's case, decides she really does like him after all, and secretly wanted sex all the while. Women, like Grace, go home feeling violated.

Spending generations in a rape culture which is prevalent in T.V., books, movies, and the workplace, there is a desensitization that occurs. Perhaps it's due to generations of boys and men being taught to be "tough," aggressive, and unemotional. I don't know, and it's not an excuse to ignore the initial word "no."

But the conversation needs to focus on why women still do not feel safe enough to say "You know what? No. I'm not going to hang out and watch Netflix. I am leaving because I'm uncomfortable with you."

For me, I know that the times I have stayed and regretted something I did, there was a fear that if I said no, things might turn violent anyway. I questioned if I was allowed to say "no" to someone I liked. The boundaries were confusing. I came from a childhood of sexual abuse and was raped as a young woman. Those boundaries would have been a lot clearer had I not been raised in a culture that seeks to silence women. And, the boundaries would have been clearer to the boys/men I didn't think I could say no to had they not been raised to be "dominant."

In my blog, The Victimization of Women in Romance, I address (albeit more lightly) the fact that we are still confusing domination with love. Books and movies like "Fifty Shades of Grey" and "Twilight" are still teaching women that we should want to be controlled and dominated. That to be controlled is to be loved.

And, we are buying the books and movie tickets in record numbers.

This is where the conversation needs to be. We should be dismantling the system that tells us it's not ok to say "no" and leave because it feels wrong. Being pressured and coerced does not mean the man loves you so much he just cannot help himself.

Yes, we need to call out every person who violates another sexually and stand firmly against it.

But, throwing the words "assault" and "rape" around because a man puts his hand on your back during a photo op (as in Keillor's case) is giving those who seek to discredit the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements the ammunition to do it.

Our words need to have power. Desensitizing people to the word "rape" is a dangerous path to tread. Calling coercion "assault" takes away from what assault is, as well as the severity of it.

I feel terribly for Grace. Ansari made her feel a way that no women would feel had there been "enthusiastic consent." Yes, he should have read her signals better. Yes, he acted like a pig.

But, this was not an assault. As unpopular as my opinion on this might be, I need to reclaim these words for sexual violence, or else mine, as well as others experiences, lose meaning if they are lumped in with every date on which the man acts like an ass.

If you have been assaulted, harassed or coerced and need to speak with someone, click under the heart below to find your local chapter of RAINN. They are there to listen, and not to judge. Your feelings about any sexual encounter should be honored, no matter what the circumstance. Speaking out is how we dismantle this broken world we live in.

RAINN