Oh, god. I didn't want to say all this. But, I have to.
It's been eating away at me while I wait for us all to have the conversation that needs to be had.
And we're not. I've been watching weeks of debate about the Ansari Aziz incident. Is he a sex offender? Is he just pushy and rude? Is he stupid? Women, once again, have divided themselves over this issue. On one side, we have those who feel he sexually assaulted Grace during that date. On the other, we have people accusing her of regretting the consensual sex they had.
Most of us have been there. Most of us have felt overly pressured or coerced into sex acts we didn't want to engage in. But, we did - and regretted it.
So, I am going to preface what I'm about to say next by first saying that I believe every word of Grace's account of the date. I believe he was pushy, aggressive and intimidating. I believe she felt coerced, violated and angry. I am not here to discount or analyze how any woman feels about a sexual encounter, nor am I implying that he wasn't wrong in his actions.
But, Ansari Aziz is not a rapist. By the account given, he did not sexually assault her. And, we need to stop calling it assault.
Brock Turner is a rapist. Emily Doe was a victim of rape.
Larry Nassar is a rapist. All 150 women who stood against him recently were victims of sexual assault.
We have been calling people like Al Franken and Garrison Keillor out on their "sexual assault," and I feel like it's hurting the conversation about sexual violence.
What happened to Grace is a symptom of a much bigger problem: why do women feel like they can't safely say "no" and leave if they are able?
I feel like the answer is the rape culture we have been raised in. Since the beginning of humanity, women have been treated as property. We have been conditioned to accept the will of men and to be compliant with abuse, aggression, and intimidation. We have been taught to be "obedient," and compliant.
Men, in turn, have been taught that women must be all of the above as well. If a woman says "no," perhaps she is just being coy or playing "hard to get." Perhaps if he asks 500 more times, she will 'give in". And, sometimes we do. The man, as it seems to be in Aziz's case, decides she really does like him after all, and secretly wanted sex all the while. Women, like Grace, go home feeling violated.
Spending generations in a rape culture which is prevalent in T.V., books, movies, and the workplace, there is a desensitization that occurs. Perhaps it's due to generations of boys and men being taught to be "tough," aggressive, and unemotional. I don't know, and it's not an excuse to ignore the initial word "no."
But the conversation needs to focus on why women still do not feel safe enough to say "You know what? No. I'm not going to hang out and watch Netflix. I am leaving because I'm uncomfortable with you."
For me, I know that the times I have stayed and regretted something I did, there was a fear that if I said no, things might turn violent anyway. I questioned if I was allowed to say "no" to someone I liked. The boundaries were confusing. I came from a childhood of sexual abuse and was raped as a young woman. Those boundaries would have been a lot clearer had I not been raised in a culture that seeks to silence women. And, the boundaries would have been clearer to the boys/men I didn't think I could say no to had they not been raised to be "dominant."
In my blog, The Victimization of Women in Romance, I address (albeit more lightly) the fact that we are still confusing domination with love. Books and movies like "Fifty Shades of Grey" and "Twilight" are still teaching women that we should want to be controlled and dominated. That to be controlled is to be loved.
And, we are buying the books and movie tickets in record numbers.
This is where the conversation needs to be. We should be dismantling the system that tells us it's not ok to say "no" and leave because it feels wrong. Being pressured and coerced does not mean the man loves you so much he just cannot help himself.
Yes, we need to call out every person who violates another sexually and stand firmly against it.
But, throwing the words "assault" and "rape" around because a man puts his hand on your back during a photo op (as in Keillor's case) is giving those who seek to discredit the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements the ammunition to do it.
Our words need to have power. Desensitizing people to the word "rape" is a dangerous path to tread. Calling coercion "assault" takes away from what assault is, as well as the severity of it.
I feel terribly for Grace. Ansari made her feel a way that no women would feel had there been "enthusiastic consent." Yes, he should have read her signals better. Yes, he acted like a pig.
But, this was not an assault. As unpopular as my opinion on this might be, I need to reclaim these words for sexual violence, or else mine, as well as others experiences, lose meaning if they are lumped in with every date on which the man acts like an ass.
If you have been assaulted, harassed or coerced and need to speak with someone, click under the heart below to find your local chapter of RAINN. They are there to listen, and not to judge. Your feelings about any sexual encounter should be honored, no matter what the circumstance. Speaking out is how we dismantle this broken world we live in.
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