Sobriety Does Not Mean Everyone Has To Forgive You - And, no, it Doesn't Make You A Victim

I would like to preface this blog with a statement before I jump into it:

I am the child of an addict. My parents are the children of addicts. I have family members on both sides who are addicts. I have dear friends who are recovering addicts. 

Addiction has caused some of my loved ones a lifetime of pain. I have seen some of those same loved ones recover from active addiction and make the daily (in some cases, hourly) commitment to their sobriety, and I think they are pretty much superheroes. I have nothing but admiration and respect for people who are fighting - who get knocked down and get the fuck back up every time. 

I am fairly certain that the only reason I escaped drug and alcohol addiction is due to the fact that I have a near-paralyzing fear of taking medicine, pills, etc... The prospect of addiction terrifies me so much that it has kept me from that path. I have other struggles and demons of my own I battle, and have made it a challenge for people to be around me in many (many) other ways. 

But only by the grace of additional glitches in my own mental health genes, I have not struggled with drugs and alcohol. If I did, I'm sure I'd be dead because I am nowhere near as strong as those I've mentioned above.

All that being said, if you are an addict, and you've alienated, abused, or just flat-out pissed off people in your life, they are under no obligation to let you back in. None.  

I know that seems harsh, and I don't mean it to be. For me, I have family and friends who I would forgive just about anything. I will be there to help them through their struggle - to love them unconditionally. If you come to me on Step 9 , I am nearly 100% likely to listen and forgive. But, if you come to that step and complain that you're a victim of anything other than addiction or abuse that led you to addiction (e.g., you can't believe old friends don't want to talk to you anymore, your grandma won't give you money anymore, your partner doesn't want to move back in and how dare they) I'm not interested.

A quick anecdote; my biological father was absent most of my life. He is an addict. When I was 15, he came back into my life. He had been sober for a long time and wanted to re-connect. I actually moved in with him for a couple of years. 

In that time, I saw him treat people (especially women) horribly. I saw him lie, steal and manipulate others. He was not a person I wanted in my life anymore and by the time I was 19 and I cut him out completely. Just because he had gotten clean, did not mean he was a person I had to keep in my life.

When I told him how I felt, he sent me a note in the mail - "I will miss your sense of humor, your quick wit and your smile."

There was no "Hey, hold on. What can I do to fix this?" He was the sad victim of yet another person abandoning him. 

So, why am I sharing this anecdote?

Because recently, I had a friend publicly, online, engage in a conversation that targeted me negatively. He engaged with, and encouraged, others who were also speaking badly of me. It sucked. It hurt. And when I told him I had seen it and was hurt, there was almost no acknowledgment. There was first a "you misunderstood - that's not what I meant", and then there was nothing. After ten years of friendship - nothing. 

Until a blog post. 

He posted a blog about his struggle with alcoholism (of which I was totally unaware). He called out (although not by name) people who have walked away from him and how hurt he was about that. He posted about projects that fell apart or were assigned to others. His upset about others reactions was far more palpable than his upset with himself.

So, here's what I have to say about the people who choose to walk away from an addict - it's their choice. Yes, it sucks. It hurts like hell to lose friends, colleagues, jobs, family. But this is one of the many horrible effects of the disease of addiction. This is the fallout. There are casualties.

Just as the addict must decide which relationships are best to keep for their sobriety and overall well-being, the circle of the addict must also decide if they can continue the relationship. The addiction is like a grenade and not every relationship makes it through the explosion in one piece - or at all. 

So, if you are a recovering or struggling addict and you have lost longtime friends or family, I am sorry for you. I really am. But that is something for you to heal from and not the responsibility of the walk-away-er. They're gonna have their own healing to do. 

My advice to you if you've hurt someone during the course of your addiction is this: Do your steps. Go to meetings. Apologize when you are in a place to do so. Be clear about where you'd like to see your friendship go from here. And then let them decide what's best for them, and respect it. Also, be aware that getting clean does not mean that you're automatically a good person. Do the work you need to do to figure out what you were using the alcohol or drugs to cover or avoid. Take meds if you need them. Re-evaluate who you are as a human being.

Don't call your loved ones out. Don't guilt them. Don't play the victim. If they choose to not have a relationship with you, respect that. There are many victims of addiction. Give them the space to heal as well - especially if you are brand new to your sobriety. Give them a minute. If they want to reach back, they will. You may lose friends, but you will also make new ones. 

If you are struggling with addiction and need immediate help, you can go to SAMHSA's website. If you can't find a local AA or NA meeting, there are some sites that offer online meetings that you can go to right now. 

Be well for you first. 

Kale. Huh. Good God - What Is It Good For? When Your Vegan Expectations Are Too High

I juiced an entire colander of kale this morning. Because we lost power for a day, *note to self - open your mail sometimes*, I wanted to use up as much stuff as I could before the settling mush made them inedible.

Kale, celery, the last remaining recognizable peach, blueberries, and carrots. The guinea pig and I just saved about $20 in produce from ending up in the trash. (Thanks, Hammy!)

As I sucked down my concoction, I was thinking about how fucking healthy I was being this morning. After all, there's vitamin something in non-specific cancer-fighting amounts in all that stuff. Also, they are probably good for any number of my various health issues. I'm sure of it. I can feel the miracles hard at work in my gut right now. But do I know what combinations of nutrients I took in? Nope. But, it's gonna fix me right up.

But I know better. All I've really done is drink all the food that was going bad in my refrigerator.

I've been vegan for about a year now. Before I went vegan (or plant-based for those of you who will say I cannot be vegan unless I'm doing so solely for ethical reasons. Also, chill out.) I had high cholesterol, autoimmune disease, fibromyalgia, arthritis, depression, anxiety, interstitial cystitis, adenomyosis, vitamin D deficiency and gastritis.

A year after going completely vegan, here's what's changed:

I still have high cholesterol, autoimmune disease, fibromyalgia, arthritis, depression, anxiety, interstitial cystitis, adenomyosis, vitamin D deficiency and gastritis. I now also have a kidney stone. In all fairness, I probably had this kidney stone for a long time, but only found out now. I used to eat candy corn by the warehouse-sized bags. It is no one's fault but my own.

At this point, you may be thinking this is an anti-vegan blog post. It is not. I'm still vegan (ok, plant-based. Shut up.)

But, here's what I've learned:

Going vegan is not a cure-all. It could be for you - but don't bank on it. I found myself watching "Forks Over Knives" and "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" as if they were gospel. They are great documentaries. I actually love all the food documentaries. Even if I don't agree with them all 100%, I  love watching people on their journey to better health. I love it when they can come off of their blood pressure medication, insulin, etc... It makes me happy :)

But, if you go into veganism thinking it will be the miracle cure for all your ills, you may be disappointed. I was. The more my various health issues caused me pain, the more I had to eliminate certain foods from my diet (as my doctors suggested I do). This created other problems for me, which you can read about in my blog "When Medical Issues Reboot Eating Disorders."

So, I had to chill for a minute and re-think my expectations while measuring them against the big picture.

Here's what else I've noticed:

There has been no progression of my diseases (with the exception of the gastritis/reflux - which required medication I was not taking.) I am not sicker. A lot of my issues are progressive - and by and large, they have not progressed. I believe whole-heartedly that changing the way I eat has benefited me. Cutting down on sugar (which either way is "vegan" unless it has bone char) has been the most beneficial to my health. That was my biggest struggle, and I have made great strides there.

I have lost what seems to be a "permanent" ten pounds. I am at a normal weight, and that's pretty cool and good for my overall health. I attribute this to cutting back on all the sugar I was eating, however, and not the plant-based diet. Just an assumption - don't @ me.

Halting the progression of disease is still a success. If you are like me and expected a complete reversal of all your ills because you've gone plant-based, you might be tempted to say "Fuck it! This shit doesn't work" and head to your nearest McDonalds. I don't blame you. I've been there too.

I'm lazy about food. I don't like to cook and pretty much suck at it. I don't take my vitamins like I'm supposed to. B12 and Vitamin D are imperative to take if you're plant-based or you're going to feel like ass. These are things that probably definitely set me back in my health goals. While I have a love/hate relationship with Cronometer, I have to say it is really useful in monitoring the nutrients you are actually taking in in a day. If you feel like shit, you might want to investigate what you may be missing because I promise you, McDonald's is not gonna fix it.

The point of this rambling "is this pro-vegan or anti-vegan?" blog is to have reasonable expectations or just no expectations at all. Eating more fruits and veggies is usually a good thing. If all you have to eat in the house is animal-based, or eating an animal product makes your life easier for a bit, do that.

A friend told me that veganism isn't about perfection. It's about doing the least amount of harm to the animals, the environment, and of course to you. Processed meats have been linked to various cancers and therefore probably best to avoid if possible.

See your doctor if you've been plant-based for awhile and aren't feeling great, or aren't seeing the results you want. There might be something else going on.

And for god's sake, please don't count on vegan Youtubers to get medical or nutritional advice. They're pretty much all crazy.

But, by all means, please do enjoy my video on how to sneak vegan food into an amusement park that doesn't allow outside food. Be well. Literally. However you have to get there. :)

The New, New Colossus

Not like the Amazonian lady of New World fame,

With welcoming arms astride from shore to shore;

Here at our greed-washed lands, golden gates shall close

A tired woman with a torch, whose flame

Is now the extinguished lightning, and her name

Mother of Dissatisfaction. From her heavy-hand

Glows world-wide rejection; her furious eyes command

The dystopian harbor that twin cities frame.

“Conquer stolen lands, your storied pomp!” cries she

With roaring lips. “Give me your wealthy, your children,

Your English - speaking computer programmers yearning to breathe free,

The pale white Christian only of your teeming shore.

Send these, the Kings, Martha's Vineyard and golf-tost to me,

I shut my gates beside the golden door!”