One day, I sat down to do that and started with the story of the family meeting that occurred in my parent's apartment when I was nearly 10 years old after I had come forward with the abuse I was suffering at the hands of my step-grandfather. I recounted the horrified look on my aunt's face (the only face I can remember from that day), and being sent to another room with a sticker book to keep me occupied while the adults spoke in panicked whispers about what to do next.
I wrote three paragraphs and had to stop. How would I write an entire memoir when the first three paragraphs plunged me into a total state of anxiety? How could I put words to the complex emotions that occurred within a timeline blurred by age and mental self-preservation? I couldn't. It would not be therapeutic for me to re-live a life with story after story of sexual abuse, assault, and harassment.
There was just too much. As it is just too much for most women. I imagine. Do any of us not have a story of feeling unsafe? Do any of us not have a story of feeling pressured, ogled, shouted at, grabbed. Do any of us not have a story of being told to "smile more", "wear some makeup", or "do something with your hair"? Do any of us not have a story of being criticized for what we are wearing? Or what we are not wearing?
I doubt it.
Because my own abuse began barely before the age of three, my entire identity was shaped around being a sexual object. It was shaped around not understanding boundaries. It was shaped around not knowing that I could say "no"- especially when "no" rarely worked anyway.
I was reading Amber Tamblyn's open letter to James Woods today. While men targeting young girls, especially in the context of the entertainment setting, isn't a new narrative, this one might have been the last proverbial straw for me. Woods' response falls in line with the usual - same old - same old - of male defenses. "She's lying"and "prove it" said with a tone of polite minimizing.
The responses to the Twitter thread were also standard. Men accusing her of needing the attention, lying, being a bitch. Of being too sensitive.
I've heard that one a lot too. Too sensitive. Yes, I'm too sensitive. But also, there was abuse.
It's just more "reasons" to excuse and ignore the fact that we live in a rape culture. We sexualize little girls from early on. "Pretty" becomes a thing you strive to be. As if that matters even remotely in developing a sense of self - of identity. We used to tell girls about being "pretty" more than we told them about being strong. We told them about being "good" and "obeying". We told them about being "quiet".
Little by little, we have been attempting changing that and failing. We create Legos "for girls" in pinks and purples. We engage them in sports and encourage them to join the sciences. But still, the focus is on how they can and should change while maintaining their female-ness. We teach them to speak up, and when they do, they have silenced again with "prove it". Besty DeVos recently undid protections for victims of assault on college campuses. So, once again, the conversation turns to "proving it". Silencing it.
North Carolina says it's legal for a man to rape you if intercourse began, but you changed your mind at some point. If you are being hurt during sex, you have no right to retract your consent. That's horrible. Barbaric.
On our acceptance of abuse and dysfunction: A few months ago, my step-grandmother died. This woman was a facilitator for the abuse and rape that occurred not just with me, but with other young women in the family. She was a denier, a blamer, and the cause of so much pain and destruction. She did not commit the sexual abuse - but she helped. She did not protect us. I even remember her once giving me advice on how I could avoid it. At 7 years old, I was being blamed.
My mother attended the funeral of this woman. To "pay her respects". It broke my heart. I thought about my own daughter and what I would have done in the same situation. I would have attended the funeral to spit on her and to speak the truth of who she was. I would have represented my daughter. I would have testified.
But my mother, who also grew up in varying abuse and dysfunction, doesn't get it either. That's how deep our rape culture goes - hundreds of years of accepting because it's so common. The past is the past and we have to move on. We've become desensitized. It's always someone other than the abuser's fault. My step-grandmother's obituary read "loving grandmother", "local school employee", "generous". Maybe - but there was also abuse.
Why isn't this the narrative yet? Why are we not countering the excuses with the facts, which are separate and absolute?
She was drunk - Yes, but there was also abuse.
She was wearing next to nothing - Yes, but there was also abuse.
She slept with a lot of people - Yes, but there was also abuse.
She didn't say anything - Yes, but there was also abuse.
She'd had sex with him before - Yes, but there was also abuse.
She's too sensitive/She can't take a joke - Yes, but there was also abuse.
She was walking around at that hour alone/she met him online/came to his hotel/came to the party/got in his car/said yes once before/slept with everybody/she was trans and didn't tell him/did drugs/was a prostitute/accused other people too/wasn't wearing a bra/wasn't wearing underwear/asked him to use a condom during the rape/she was out of control/she was mentally ill/she's trying to ruin him/she wants attention/she saw him again/she sexted him/she has kids by different fathers/she didn't leave/she didn't go to the police/she didn't go to the hospital. Yes, but there was also abuse.
#ButThereWasAlsoAbuse
From now on, that's my answer to it all. Because the discussion needs to stop being about the victim and what she did or didn't do and turn back to the abuse. We need to start believing women. We need to stop creating a reason why she "asked for it", or why it's too late for her to speak out. We keep doing this as a society, and all it's doing is normalizing abuse and violence. We cannot have a reason to make abuse acceptable. We need to stop making women afraid to come forward because they won't be believed.
End of rant.
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