Can Friendships Survive a Trump Presidency? (Spoiler alert - No.)

"There are 25 credible allegations of sexual assault against him," I said.

"Are they credible though? I mean if they were, he'd be in jail, right? Women can be opportunistic and lie to get something out of it." he said.

"So you're saying all these women are lying? Are Kavanaugh's accusers lying?" I asked.

"If there was any truth in any of these allegations, yes, he'd be in jail," he countered.

"Right," I snorted, "because that's what usually happens. People just believe women and their rapists go to jail. So what about the fact that his first wife claimed on record in court that he had raped her?"

"Can you really rape a spouse, though? I  mean don't you agree that when you marry someone your body becomes theirs?" he asked.

No. No, I most certainly do not agree. I hung up. 

I also did not agree with his "Illegals are killing 10,000 Americans a year!" rhetoric (although a far less horrible thing to believe than the above in my opinion). Also, not true in case you were wondering.

There were at least two conversations where this friend, whom I have known for decades, defended Trump's most reprehensible acts. All with the standard  Trumper "But Hillary, but Obama, but Pelosi, but Biden, but Democrats, but but but" responses. 

He is afraid of immigrants, He is afraid Mexicans are mass murdering Americans, he is afraid people are coming to take his guns. He stomped his feet and yelled "He was not impeached. He was NOT! They still have to VOTE on it!" 

But he was, Blanche, he was impeached. 

I'd heard this before. Not just in your average Trumper, but in another friend I lost over political differences.

She was my closest friend for over 20 years. She was born at the end of WWII Germany. She was born prematurely when the Germans, in an effort to show the visiting Red Cross a hospital filled with happy mothers and babies, rounded up pregnant women and induced labor in them all. Some only 7 months pregnant.

She is an immigrant. She is a hippie. A pot-smoking retired school teacher who believes in the healing power of crystals and magnets. 

And she voted for Trump. Because she wanted him to "shake things up." I was appalled. 

But she too was afraid. Afraid that OTHER immigrants were taking things away from REAL Americans (who are immigrants that have just been here longer).

This fear seems to be a common thread amongst Trumpers. And once someone is afraid, it becomes easy to build on that fear and control them with it. 

The most rabid Trumpers are afraid of everything from wind (Oh God! I'm going to get windmill Cancer!) to teenagers. 

While fear is a tactic often used to control and manipulate, what makes one individual in the friendship more susceptible to the rues than the other? And what makes them put their total trust into a man with several failed businesses and the vocabulary of a 3rd grader? 

While Psychology Today lists several factors, fear is an area they touched on in more scientific detail. 

"Science has shown that the conservative brain has an exaggerated fear response when faced with stimuli that may be perceived as threatening. A 2008 study in the journal Science found that conservatives have a stronger physiological reaction to startling noises and graphic images compared to liberals. A brain-imaging 
study published in Current Biology revealed that those who lean right politically tend to have a larger amygdala — a structure that is electrically active during states of fear and anxiety. "

So, friend "A", a Conservative, may be genetically predisposed to an exaggerated fear response that fires up when they believe they are finally being told the "truth" about immigrants and Muslims and Swedish climate activists and windmills. They love Trump for "telling it like it is" (otherwise known as appealing to shit they were terrified of already because their amygdala is all jacked up).

Friend "B", a Liberal or Moderate, does not have the exaggerated fear response and therefore can pick apart and analyze information, sans fear, to form an opinion with a calmer mind.

Now all of the above applies to friends and family members you thought of as rational, intelligent people prior to the Trump presidency.

This does not include those who needed an excuse to no longer hide their hatred and racism. Those who were just waiting until someone gave them permission to be openly terrible people.

But those were (most likely) not our friends and loved ones before Trump. Those people would be far easier to say goodbye to.

So why does it hurt so much when a loved one suddenly becomes this fearful, conspiracy-minded automaton who refuses to consider facts or reason?

I suspect it's because we partially blame ourselves for not seeing it sooner. But, I don't think (at least in my opinion) we can blame ourselves for not being able to fully predict how our friend would react when their amygdala is overstimulated and their fear responses were triggered. 

This is the most compassionate explanation I have and it's what I have to tell myself to allow for a peaceful end to what was otherwise a happy friendship. 

Because it does have to end. Once someone's core values take a hard turn (probably a right) and racism, sexual assault, abuse of power, xenophobia etc..become ok with them, if I remain, then by default I become ok with it too. 

And I'm not. 

I'll take my chances with the windmills. 

#Trump #Impeachment #Psychology #Fear #WWII #Germany #MeToo #Greta #ClimateChange