Can Friendships Survive a Trump Presidency? (Spoiler alert - No.)

"There are 25 credible allegations of sexual assault against him," I said.

"Are they credible though? I mean if they were, he'd be in jail, right? Women can be opportunistic and lie to get something out of it." he said.

"So you're saying all these women are lying? Are Kavanaugh's accusers lying?" I asked.

"If there was any truth in any of these allegations, yes, he'd be in jail," he countered.

"Right," I snorted, "because that's what usually happens. People just believe women and their rapists go to jail. So what about the fact that his first wife claimed on record in court that he had raped her?"

"Can you really rape a spouse, though? I  mean don't you agree that when you marry someone your body becomes theirs?" he asked.

No. No, I most certainly do not agree. I hung up. 

I also did not agree with his "Illegals are killing 10,000 Americans a year!" rhetoric (although a far less horrible thing to believe than the above in my opinion). Also, not true in case you were wondering.

There were at least two conversations where this friend, whom I have known for decades, defended Trump's most reprehensible acts. All with the standard  Trumper "But Hillary, but Obama, but Pelosi, but Biden, but Democrats, but but but" responses. 

He is afraid of immigrants, He is afraid Mexicans are mass murdering Americans, he is afraid people are coming to take his guns. He stomped his feet and yelled "He was not impeached. He was NOT! They still have to VOTE on it!" 

But he was, Blanche, he was impeached. 

I'd heard this before. Not just in your average Trumper, but in another friend I lost over political differences.

She was my closest friend for over 20 years. She was born at the end of WWII Germany. She was born prematurely when the Germans, in an effort to show the visiting Red Cross a hospital filled with happy mothers and babies, rounded up pregnant women and induced labor in them all. Some only 7 months pregnant.

She is an immigrant. She is a hippie. A pot-smoking retired school teacher who believes in the healing power of crystals and magnets. 

And she voted for Trump. Because she wanted him to "shake things up." I was appalled. 

But she too was afraid. Afraid that OTHER immigrants were taking things away from REAL Americans (who are immigrants that have just been here longer).

This fear seems to be a common thread amongst Trumpers. And once someone is afraid, it becomes easy to build on that fear and control them with it. 

The most rabid Trumpers are afraid of everything from wind (Oh God! I'm going to get windmill Cancer!) to teenagers. 

While fear is a tactic often used to control and manipulate, what makes one individual in the friendship more susceptible to the rues than the other? And what makes them put their total trust into a man with several failed businesses and the vocabulary of a 3rd grader? 

While Psychology Today lists several factors, fear is an area they touched on in more scientific detail. 

"Science has shown that the conservative brain has an exaggerated fear response when faced with stimuli that may be perceived as threatening. A 2008 study in the journal Science found that conservatives have a stronger physiological reaction to startling noises and graphic images compared to liberals. A brain-imaging 
study published in Current Biology revealed that those who lean right politically tend to have a larger amygdala — a structure that is electrically active during states of fear and anxiety. "

So, friend "A", a Conservative, may be genetically predisposed to an exaggerated fear response that fires up when they believe they are finally being told the "truth" about immigrants and Muslims and Swedish climate activists and windmills. They love Trump for "telling it like it is" (otherwise known as appealing to shit they were terrified of already because their amygdala is all jacked up).

Friend "B", a Liberal or Moderate, does not have the exaggerated fear response and therefore can pick apart and analyze information, sans fear, to form an opinion with a calmer mind.

Now all of the above applies to friends and family members you thought of as rational, intelligent people prior to the Trump presidency.

This does not include those who needed an excuse to no longer hide their hatred and racism. Those who were just waiting until someone gave them permission to be openly terrible people.

But those were (most likely) not our friends and loved ones before Trump. Those people would be far easier to say goodbye to.

So why does it hurt so much when a loved one suddenly becomes this fearful, conspiracy-minded automaton who refuses to consider facts or reason?

I suspect it's because we partially blame ourselves for not seeing it sooner. But, I don't think (at least in my opinion) we can blame ourselves for not being able to fully predict how our friend would react when their amygdala is overstimulated and their fear responses were triggered. 

This is the most compassionate explanation I have and it's what I have to tell myself to allow for a peaceful end to what was otherwise a happy friendship. 

Because it does have to end. Once someone's core values take a hard turn (probably a right) and racism, sexual assault, abuse of power, xenophobia etc..become ok with them, if I remain, then by default I become ok with it too. 

And I'm not. 

I'll take my chances with the windmills. 

#Trump #Impeachment #Psychology #Fear #WWII #Germany #MeToo #Greta #ClimateChange

When Having Special Needs Interferes With Education

I think the first time I noticed my son was going to have difficulties in school was when he was 4 years old.

He was in a special education pre-school program and got off the bus at the end of the day with a 103 fever. He told me he'd had a headache all day. His teachers didn't know because, at that time, he did not speak to anyone but me. 

Yes, his teachers should have seen that something was wrong but they didn't. They didn't when he had an accident and spent the whole day in wet clothes, and they didn't when they marked him as "significantly academically delayed" because he couldn't say his alphabet. 

He knew the alphabet, of course...but he couldn't say it when asked if he knew it. It was easier for him to shake his head "no".

Over the years, he began to start speaking to peers first, then over time, select teachers. By the time he got to the third grade, he was speaking to everyone at school. *phew*

All ends well. Fin.

Not really. 

Xander began having major panic attacks about going to school. Having multiple diagnoses, on any given morning there were obstacles to overcome. Here's a blog post about one of our morning battles.

Whether it was a round of particularly brutal tics caused by his Tourette Syndrome, an epic meltdown over socks that were "not right" (thank you, Autism), a blind rage caused by either his ADHD or the Disruptive Mood Disorder (those two spend a lot of time together), or your run of the mill panic attack or upset stomach due to yet another medication. There was always something. 

"Perhaps he needs a specialized environment that would help him adjust to school after a rough morning", I thought. So I started asking his school for a referral to a therapeutic school. Cut to 18 months, a dozen rejections, a letter from his psychiatrist and an educational advocate later, he was finally placed into what our school system calls the Resolve Program.

He showed up, sat in a classroom with other kids who were turning over desks, punching teachers (and sometimes students) and falling further behind. He was released at the end of the school year after "successfully completing" the program and referred back to his regular school. 

*I should note here that despite the fact that he fails his state testing every single year, they move him onto the next grade regardless of readiness. He begins every school year struggling academically*

Now, in 5th grade (and two hospitalizations later), we are back to where we began. Except that this time, after several "unexcused absences" (because having multiple debilitating diagnoses isn't an excuse apparently) the school called CPS. 

To be fair, the call to CPS wasn't just about the absences, but about the overall safety of Xander at home, as well as concerns for the safety of the rest of us. His team at school (with whom I requested a meeting to get some support regarding his fears about coming to school) suggested that CPS could fast track the many waiting lists we were on for services.

CPS came out to the house in September. It is now nearly mid-November. We have heard nothing back from them. So much for the "fast track." 

Update: In December they closed our case. With no resources or further discussion. 

When I recently went to the school 15 minutes prior to dismissal to sign Xander out for an appointment (he tends to have lots of these), I was met with hostility. The front desk lady (who knows who she is) informed me that the note I sent his teacher, as well as the email I sent out to the entire team informing them all that he would be leaving early, in no way excused this "absence" (again, 15 minutes before the regular dismissal time)  and reminded me of all the other "unexcused" absences he had accumulated so early in the year.

I told her that while I'm sorry those remain "unexcused" according to school policy, they were unavoidable. She then told me that I needed to get it "straightened out" or there would be "consequences". 

I did not care for this threat at all. I laughed and told her to feel free to call CPS again, collected my kid, and stormed out of the building fuming.

I received a letter from the school system shortly thereafter threatening me with family court. I am not kidding. 

I emailed his entire team the angriest email I've ever written.

All I have been trying to do since this child was 3 years old is get him the help he needs to succeed in school. 

His IQ is too high for the local school for children with special needs. Too low for residential programs that would otherwise take him. One program does not take kids who have Autism as their primary diagnosis (I never understand this one. What difference does it make if his Autism is at the top or the middle of the list?) 

Another program will take kids with Autism, but not with other co-morbid conditions.

Also, every single one of those lists has endless obstacle courses parents must go through as well as years-long waiting lists. 

We have tried homeschool (which, of course, our school system did not like at all because they called dibs on failing him), cyber school (no way can he sit at home for 6 hours a day at a desk. Seriously, he can't even do that at school). He is too volatile at home to effectively learn here. I cannot educate him alone without adequate resources. And yes, we have an IEP.

According to ACMH, "Nationally, only 40 percent of students with emotional, behavioral and mental health disorders graduate from high school, compared to the national average of 76 percent; 3 and, Over 50% of students with emotional and behavioral disabilities ages 14 and older, drop out of high school. This is the highest drop out rate of any disability group".

The American Psychological Association says "The committee found that the deinstitutionalization movement of the 1960s — which shut down large treatment facilities for the mentally ill — coupled with the lack of community resources to treat them, resulted in some people going to prisons and jails instead. One study found this trend accounts for about 7 percent of prison population growth from 1980 to 2000 — representing 40,000 to 72,000 people in prisons who would likely have been in mental hospitals in the past.

If these statistics applied to children with Diabetes, I feel like we'd have more options. More care would be taken. There is something about mental health in our society that demands less attention. It's not solely the fault of the teachers. After all, they are not psych nurses. And having worked in childcare myself, I am all too aware of the challenges a child with behavioral issues presents to the whole. 

We claim "inclusion" for children with all kinds of differences, but we don't give them the tools they need to be successful in that inclusion, which results in simply being a body in a typically functioning classroom. This is not the same as being included. 

My child cannot do 2 hours of homework every night. He just can't. He doesn't have it in him after a full day of trying to self-control to avoid embarrassment. He then comes home and explodes. Homework doesn't get done. He loses recess, his only chance during the day to get outside and release all that energy.

Rinse and repeat.

So, what to do?

The short answer is, have more therapeutic schools with different classroom ability levels, small class sizes, a school nurse with a psych background and a psychiatrist who visits a few times a week. Also, have these schools throughout so many parts of the country that no child is waiting years to get in. 

But that solution requires money, better healthcare for at-risk children, more parent support, respite care, residential options....it requires the whole damn village. 

I'd love to hear what your experiences are/were with your child's educational journey in the comments section here. And thank you for letting me rant my frustrations and taking the time to read them.


#AllTheRibbons
#Autism
#MentalHealth
#Education
#Wellness
#Advocacy