This time, every year, there are many blogs and articles written to help us move through seasonal depression (or chronic depression) and survive the holidays.
While well intentioned, so many of them give us advice that is impractical whilst in the throes of a major depression. The confusing and Herculean task of "practicing self-care" goes unheard for a lot of us.
So, who am I? I am anti-holiday depression advice, so why should anyone listen to a damn thing I have to say?
You don't. You are a grown ass person. You can do, and not do, whatever the hell you want. I could end this blog right now on that note because that's the crux of it. But...
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and assault as a young woman. I am a mother of three - the youngest having a variety of special needs. As a lifelong renter, I have moved at least 40 times in my life (and counting). We live paycheck to paycheck. I have been homeless. I have been hungry. I have autoimmune disease and chronic pain conditions. I have PTSD, Anxiety and Depression. I have been hospitalized twice in my life because of it. I am not qualified to tell you what to do - but I am qualified to say; I understand.
Here's some advice you've probably heard already, and therefore can skip:
1) Plan Ahead
2) Prepare neutral responses when visiting relatives
3) Buy a S.A.D. lamp
4) Take CARE of yourself. Take a relaxing bath.
5) Eat well
6) Exercise
Ok, that is all good advice - if you can muster it. For some of us, peeling ourselves out of bed just to go to the bathroom is as much as we can get done in a day. The rest is just all too difficult.
So here's my top three tips for anyone who is in that "should I get out of bed to pee?" category;
1) You Don't Have To Do The Holidays If You Don't Want To - (Stay with me on this, I know it's shocking).
When we were children, we had no choice. We had to schlepp to various relatives' houses to smile, interact, and be the harbingers of good cheer. As an adult, you don't have to. You can invite people to come see you, order a pizza, and call it good. You can also skip it altogether. It all depends on how much you'd like to see these people. If tapping out of Aunt Trudy's invitation causes you more stress, invite her over. Meet for lunch (if you can). Explain your depression and the fact that you are struggling. People understand more than we give them credit for.
But, if Aunt Trudy was a total bitch to you growing up, skip it. We are hardwired to keep up appearances - especially when it comes to family. The holidays reek of peacemaking and putting things behind you in an effort to patch things up with previously toxic people. Maybe you did this last year. But, after the New Year, did the relationship build? Did it get better? Or was it the same old shit? If the latter is true, don't put yourself through it again. It will be no worse than it already is. The holidays are the worst possible time to resolve complicated family bullshit.
"But Morgen, what if my family doesn't know that I can't stand them?" Yes, that's a more difficult obstacle. In the spirit of self-preservation, you can always say you don't feel well. It's the truth after all. And, if you have a family who fakes it all anyway, they won't even question it. Remember - the goal is getting through the holidays in one piece. This is about survival and self-preservation. If you have kids, don't even think twice about using them as an excuse. Just use the phrase "stomach bug" and there will be no further questions.
2) You Do Not Have To Go Gift Shopping - (No, you really don't)
The pressure of holiday shopping is a huge extra stress you don't need. If you can get it together to bake, do that and give treats as gifts. If like me, that just sounds like a lot of math, Amazon can be your best friend. You can send gifts and digital gift cards to nearly anywhere via email (they will do that for you). Because, also like me, searching for that option seems like work, you can find it here: Gift Cards . If you really can't afford any of those options and are able and willing to mobilize, a visit to help cook dinner or come late and help clean up after would be appreciated more than you probably realize.
3) Take Your Medication and Reach Out For Help If You Need It - (Seriously.)
It might seem like your medication isn't working because you feel like you've been hit by a truck. But it most likely is (because you're reading this and not on a ledge somewhere and that's pretty awesome). And, if you still feel horrible after the holidays, a call to your doctor to revisit your medication and dosage is in order. If you are not on medication, and you feel like you can't hold on, call your doctor ASAP. If you don't have a doctor, you can call any of the below resources and get immediate help. They will not judge you. They will not "tell" anyone. And, they will not send the white coats to your house to come and get you (unless you've really become completely unsafe to yourself in which case, let them. Fuck your pride and fuck the holidays. Save yourself. At the very least, there will be drugs and sleep and you won't have to cook or even get up to pee if you don't want to.)
Suicide Prevention Hotline
Pride Counseling (for the LGBTQ community)
AA
NAMI Helpline
Salvation Army ( if you need help with bills, food, gifts for the kids, coats, etc..)
You can also dial "211" from anywhere, and reach a "warm line" to connect you to local services in your area. This one is also a great resource if you have children you are struggling to care for. I don't address this much in this blog because it would be 8,000 words, but reach out to them. You can get help with gifts, food, even childcare and housing resources if you are in crisis.
January is just around the corner. It's an important turning point as the cold dark of winter, and all that comes with it is on it's way out.
Whatever rules or guilt which have been instilled in you about the holidays throughout your childhood no longer apply. You owe nothing to anyone but yourself. You are the most important thing. I know that is probably really hard to believe when you're feeling so bad, but it's true. There are people on standby 24 hours a day whose sole purpose is to talk to you and help you through it. Talk to them. If you have another depressed friend, hunker down and be depressed together and get each other through it. Allow yourself to stay in a cocoon on your couch binge watching mindless shit until the depression sees an opportunity to step out for a moment. Then, you make your escape into wellness again.
You will get through this. Chances are, you've survived heavier shit. Hang on.
Now, here's a kitten doing pilates.
