Dawn - A Short Story

"You're an idiot."

"Shut up."

"She's right. You're an idiot."

"Shut up!"

"Don't take your anger out on us. We're trying to help you."

"Yes. We're your friends. Don't we always look out for you?"

"True. Where would you be without us?"

"Go away! You're just trying to upset me, and I was in a good mood today."

"When are you ever in a good mood?"

"I've been in a good mood since I moved here. It's nice here."

"Keep telling yourself that. If you were so fucking happy, you wouldn't need us."

"Language!"

"I'm sorry. But it's the truth."

"I am happy! And I don't need you here! You're just always tagging along and annoying me."

"Not true, Dawn. You know you need us. Remember the last time you told us to go away? You ended up in a drunk tank with a broken nose. Which still looks horrid, by the way."

"Indeed."

"That was ONE time! And it wasn't because you weren't there. I don't remember exactly what happened, but I know it wasn't my fault. It was just one of those things. An accident."

"An accident, yes. But that girl was in intensive care for two weeks. And she'll never see right out of that eye."

"Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!"

"We'll shut up when you pull yourself together. But until then, we stay."

"She's right. We can't leave you to your own devices. You show poor judgment."

"I concur."

"Well, maybe I wouldn't have been drinking if I hadn't been trying to get away from you two. All that relentless nagging. All that talking, talking, talking. I don't want to talk. I want to stay here and be happy."

"Dawn, dear, there were things that needed to be discussed. You can't just ignore us."

"I didn't want to talk about it then, and I don't want to talk about it now!"

"That may be true. But you know he needed to go."

"Yes. You handled that situation very poorly. You just ran away and we had to step in because you're weak and stupid."

"I'm not! I just didn't want to be there anymore. He was scary. I was afraid. Everything hurt."

"But you just let him go, Dawn. And, we felt that it was in your best interest to handle the situation properly."

"I handled it just fine. It was over fast. He didn't hurt me anymore once I stopped struggling."

"If you say so. But, because you refused to handle it, we stepped in and handled it for you."

"I don't want to talk about that! You didn't have to do anything. No one had to help me. I just want to forget. This place makes me forget. All you do is remind me and make me feel bad."

"If we hadn't helped you, he would have just walked away. We couldn't allow that, Dawn."

"He got what he deserved. Becoming a shameful drunk was just unnecessary. And frankly, quite embarrassing."

"Yes, it reflected on all of us poorly."

"I don't care. And I haven't had a drink in weeks. I'm feeling much better."

"Hmmm...keep telling yourself that, dear."

"Oh shit. Here comes the reality police. We'll see you later, Dawn. We'll be waiting."

"Dawn? Honey? Are you alright? It's time for your meds sweetie."

"Yes, please. I'm not feeling well."

"Here...take these. Have some water. Lift your tongue sweetheart. Very good. You'll be feeling better in no time. Why don't you go into the activity room and finish working on your project? We'll be serving dinner soon.It's meatloaf night. You like meatloaf."

"Yes. Thank you."

DYI Reusable Menstrual Cloths: A Way to Sustainability and Environmental Protection, or Just Gross?

Because I occasionally think about going off grid someday, I am always researching different ways to have the modern things I need, but in a way that's environmentally conscientious.

I have gone through the composting toilet phase, the family cloth phase, the tiny house phase (which by the way now cost more than 40k!) as well as anything and everything else that YouTube has a dirty hippie video on.

So, last week was DIY menstrual cloths.                                          

So the first thing I noticed is that stores like Whole Foods were selling "Mama Cloths" for up to about $15 a piece which is pretty ridiculous. Then I saw people showing how you can make your own, but that still required a sewing machine and an awkward trip to Michaels.

These women were making their cloths out of pretty patterns that have rainbows and Disney characters on them (I also saw people who crocheted homemade tampons but I didn't even have the mental capacity to figure out how that works but to each their own) but I felt that any color other than black was just going to gross me out.

As far as I can tell from some of the homemade videos I saw was that you can pretty much just buy any old material and make them out of that and hand sew them. So, I went to the local dollar store and started researching supplies. After trying on several washcloths in Dollar General, I settled on black microfiber.

I bought so many microfiber towels and washcloths that I started to think I could have just shoved a ShamWow in my vagina and called it good...but I digress.

I got to work folding, cutting and sewing my dish towel rags, and after about 47 hours, I had made three.

Because Aunt Flo has a sense of humor, she decided to delay herself until I finished those three and then paid me a visit just to laugh at my stupidity. Also, because I had nowhere to be, I decided to try them out.

The verdict: Not too bad. First of all, they are HUGE. They look like grown up sized Lego blocks, and I'm pretty sure that if I sped up the process, I could build my own house with them.

Secondly, they are really comfortable. It's like a pillow for your vagina. No bunching or discomfort and I just threw them into the wash after a cold rinse cycle. They dried well and retained their shape.

So, what are my final thoughts on this sustainable grossness?

Cost-effective? Yes.

Easy to make? If you're not me - Yes.

Comfortable? - Yes.

Do I care about the environment? Yes.

Am I going to use these things on a regular basis? Hell no.

And now, here's a clip on the subject of feminine hygiene from the Dave Chapelle Show.

Edit: Over a year and a half later and they are still in good shape and going strong. Also, I use them far more frequently than I originally thought I would because vagina pillow.

Do Employment Assessments Alienate Good Potential Employees?

Because I had been actively attempting to drum up more work, I was spending an average of six hours a day filling out applications and taking assessments.

And, because of a recent experience I had with a popular car rental company who shall remain nameless (but you Trekkies know who I'm talking about), I have decided to pose the question to employees and employers alike: Are lengthy assessments and applications just alienating and frustrating good employees?

On average, the process is pretty much the same on the employee's end; You find a position you'd like to apply for, you click the "Apply" box, and you upload your resume' and cover letter.

Now, all of your relevant information is in their system...but they'd like you to type it all in manually again anyway. So you do. Done? No.

Actual screenshot from an assessment

Now come the assessments. Provided there are no glitches in their system, and their assessment software is compatible with your computer, you embark on a 1-3 hour journey that leaves you forgetting what job you actually applied for in the first place.

The above-unmentioned car rental company had a 150 question section first. Yes, FIRST. I was asked questions like "Do you like to visit art museums?" "Do you like poetry?" "Do you like to read?"

None of these questions seem to be relevant to the position in question, but I play along and answer as truthfully as I can.

The first section is done! I move forward to the second section; A 50 question math test. I complete that even though the job description requires no math.

I have now completed section two and move on to section three. Section three is a 30 minute tutorial on the test that is still to come. I watch the tutorial (which cannot be skipped) and move onto the test customer service/ data entry section. This section lasts an hour. It freezes several times, at which point I need to start all over again. But I do it.

After what feels like an eternity, I complete all sections. Within hours, I receive a standard rejection email stating that based on my assessment questions, they can not move forward with my application, but I am welcome to retry in a year. A YEAR. Because I like museums?

So, I am wondering: If my section 1 assessment questions were the problem, then why was I prompted to do two more hours of testing?

While this may seem like an extreme case, it actually isn't. I have to say that most of the application processes are just like the above example. Amazon is another company with a similar assessment process. However, if you are not accepted for one position, and you want to apply for a different one, you cannot retake the assessment. Therefore, you are rejected for ALL positions based on an assessment you completed 3 months ago for a different position.

It's mind-boggling. And I'm actually good with bureaucracy and hoop jumping. I can't imagine how anyone who doesn't test well, or who can't complete the tests because of lack of equipment or resources or who has a disability, can actually take these tests successfully.

Maybe I'm too old school. But I miss the days when someone posted a "Help Wanted" sign in their window, and you could walk in, answer a few questions and, hopefully,
leave with a job.

A happy ending for all.

Over The Rainbow

A friend suggested that I write a blog about why I picked the covers that I did, and what they mean to me (thanks, Stacy!).

I wanted to start with "Over the Rainbow" as it is the most emotional story for me to write.

As some of you may remember, my Uncle Jim passed away nearly two years ago after a very long battle with Melanoma.

My uncle was responsible for some of the happiest memories of my childhood. He was the very picture of goodness, compassion, and generosity. He celebrated each holiday with a child's enthusiasm and, no matter how much he was suffering physically and emotionally, always tried to smile, laugh and celebrate the good things in life.

Me, Uncle Jim, and my newborn brother, Brook

He was only 15 when I was born, and even though he was a kid himself, he always took the time to spend quality time with me, and when he married my Aunt Mary Anne, their home became one of my safest havens during the course of my very difficult childhood.

He loved me no matter how I challenged my family...no matter how long the time was that passed between us. His "How ya doing, kiddo?" still rings in my ears when I think of him.

Thanksgiving times at my Grandparent's house almost always involved he and I watching "King Kong", Mighty Joe Young" or "The Wizard of Oz" together.

"The Wizard of Oz" was one of his all-time favorite movies, and after he passed, I would often think about the song "Over the Rainbow", and slowly came to realize what a profound song that was.

The song speaks of a need to believe that there is a place beyond pain...beyond suffering and loneliness. A place where magic exists and all things are possible.

He believed that people were basically good and that no matter how far you roamed in the world, you could always come back to family and love would be waiting for you.

That's who he was for me. Unconditional love. Even when I didn't deserve it... Even when I didn't say "goodbye".

So, as we set up to do this song, I felt anxiety. Anxiety at the difficulty of it and anxiety about making it be good enough to honor his memory. To thank him, and to tell him that I believe in magic too, and the lessons he taught me by example are part of my very being. Some of these lessons came so late in life for me. But, I have them now and I can never thank him enough for them.

The most important of these lessons came about in my last conversation with him. He said: "I spent a long time being angry with God. I thought, 'I try to be a good person - a good Christian - why would God let this happen to me? And then I realized that I am here for a human experience. Sometimes, getting sick is part of a human experience. It has nothing to do with God, or how good you are. It's part of being human'".

After 3 or 4 fruitless takes of the song, I brought his picture into the booth with me. It was a picture of him holding my firstborn, Antonio, nearly 17 years before this recording.

After that take, Jake and I noticed an anomaly: A strange electrical disturbance that wasn't caused by wiring, software or distortion. It does not occur in any other track and did not occur in any other take but the one where his picture was present. It is an electrical, static interference that buzzes in and out at random.

You can hear it the most at the end of the song when I start to cry a little during the recording.

We chose to leave it that way. It might have been something totally random and unexplainable, but I'm not sure about that. I want to believe he was there and knew that I was thinking of him. I want to believe it was magic.

And even if it wasn't, he'd want me to believe that too.

For you, Uncle Jim.

In Another Life

Hi everyone!

Jake and I decided to put together a cd of the covers I'd been working on, and we have decided to try
and use them to raise a little money for the local food pantries and homeless outreach programs.

We came here to Las Vegas last year after some very, very hard times. As our time here comes to an end, and we prepare to return to the east coast, we have been thinking about how very grateful we are for all of the good things that have come our way this past year.

Most importantly, we are so grateful for all of our friends. It is not lost on us how often people have reached out to us, and helped us in any way they could. We are humbled.

The title of the album, "In Another Life", represents for me all that I wished had been, while acknowledging so many of the lessons that I learned along the way about love, friendship, faith and selflessness.

If you can't contribute financially, but can bring a donation of any kind to a local shelter or show some kindness to someone in need, please let me know and I'll be happy to send you a digital copy of the album :)

Click the title :)
                                                             
                                                              In Another Life

Greyhound: Leave The Tuberculosis To Us

For those of you who didn't know; I took a cross country trip on Greyhound from Las Vegas to New

York...with my 6 year old.

I'm not saying that the trip would have been any better had I been alone. In fact, I'm pretty sure that bringing my kid with me saved me from sitting next to someone drunk, high, crazy, and/or stinky.

For that, I am grateful. 

The last time I went East, I took the train. Some of you may remember the six hour delay and the three bomb threats accompanied by the five hour Mr. Toad's Wild Ride of a bus trip through the thick fog of Indiana because I was going to miss my connecting train in Chicago.

I figured that the bus could not be much worse. I was mistaken.

Here are a few of the highlights from my recent immune-building adventure.

1) A man fell on me on the bus right out of Las Vegas. Fell right across the laps of me and my kid. He could not get up. Just like the legend of the mother who lifted a car off of her child in a adrenaline fueled frenzy, I successfully lifted this man to standing and sustained a bruised and swollen knee.

2) I watched a twitchy, tank top wearin' redneck pop pills he was keeping in his hat. He then proceeded to ramble loudly to no one for the next 12 hours. Next to him was a woman who coughed so violently through four states, that she frequently gagged and spit phlegm into a plastic bag.

3) A woman boarding the bus in the middle of the night felt strongly that not only should she wake us up to inform us she was Bi-Polar (meds are "bullshit", by the way), but that we all might be interested in her sex life with her ex husband.  In. Graphic. Detail.

4) Upon trying to take my kid to the bathroom (after forcing him to hold it through most of Colorado), we had to unexpectedly step over a body lying on the floor of the bus. She was alive though. Not to worry.

5) Somewhere in Ohio, a woman boards and proceeds to shout; "PEPSI!! DO THE DEW!" several times before starting a full voice round of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall". The bus driver left her at a burger joint in the middle of Nowhere, OH after she informed him that singing on buses was part of who she was, and she had no intention of stopping.

Good for you, sister. Good for you. Sing like there's nobody listening. 

6) My kid (who has night terrors), freaks the fuck out on the bus and starts kicking the shit out of me, and anyone walking down the aisle at the time of the meltdown. Sorry, Ma'am.

7) Around Indiana, my child suddenly decides to respond to any question throughout the rest of the trip with, "DEEZ NUTS!"

8) A man put a cell phone charger on my chest while I was sleeping. It did not belong to me. He urged me to take it anyway.

9) The bus "bathroom" was simply a hole in a platform with a bucket at the bottom. No flushing; No water; No sink. In that hole there were bottles, shoes, and many other objects that one would not normally expect to see in a toilet. Oh, don't worry, there were plenty of turds too for us uptight bathroom purists. 

10) Desperate to not eat McDonald's A-FUCKING-GAIN, my kid and I made a break for a gas station during a food stop in Kansas. We stepped in ankle deep mud. When we got back on the bus, we take his shoes off and his three day unwashed feet stink up the bus. There was a subsequent announcement made by the bus driver that everyone must keep their shoes on AT ALL TIMES. I am flattered that my kid's feet were the most offensive smell on that bus. 

11) Upon stopping in Grand Junction, CO, I asked the bus driver how much time we had (as it was 4pm and no food stops had been made that day yet). He told me that I "should have been listening". I replied; "Seriously? Are you really not going to tell me how long we have?"
His response: "Listen next time".

Edit: I forgot to add in the bus driver who kept getting lost and needed the passengers to use the GPS on their phone to help her navigate. She drove around aimlessly in sketchy parts of towns and ended up went the wrong way on a one way street!

BUT, here are some great pics of all the beautiful places I got to see on my Greyhound adventure. Enjoy. The last two are the best pictures I could get lol.

St. Louis, MO

 

Denver, CO

                                                     

Vail, CO

Pretty Much Anywhere, Utah

NYC

Zanesville, OH

Pittsburgh, PA

Wheeling, WV