The Good Morgen Blog: Greyhound: Leave The Tuberculosis To Us

For those of you who didn't know; I took a cross country trip on Greyhound from Las Vegas to New

York...with my 6 year old.

I'm not saying that the trip would have been any better had I been alone. In fact, I'm pretty sure that bringing my kid with me saved me from sitting next to someone drunk, high, crazy, and/or stinky.

For that, I am grateful.

The last time I went East, I took the train. Some of you may remember the six hour delay and the three bomb threats accompanied by the five hour Mr. Toad's Wild Ride of a bus trip through the thick fog of Indiana because I was going to miss my connecting train in Chicago.

I figured that the bus could not be much worse. I was mistaken.

Here are a few of the highlights from my recent immune-building adventure.

1) A man fell on me on the bus right out of Las Vegas. Fell right across the laps of me and my kid. He could not get up. Just like the legend of the mother who lifted a car off of her child in a adrenaline fueled frenzy, I successfully lifted this man to standing and sustained a bruised and swollen knee.

2) I watched a twitchy, tank top wearin' redneck pop pills he was keeping in his hat. He then proceeded to ramble loudly to no one for the next 12 hours. Next to him was a woman who coughed so violently through four states, that she frequently gagged and spit phlegm into a plastic bag.

3) A woman boarding the bus in the middle of the night felt strongly that not only should she wake us up to inform us she was Bi-Polar (meds are "bullshit", by the way), but that we all might be interested in her sex life with her ex husband. In. Graphic. Detail.

4) Upon trying to take my kid to the bathroom (after forcing him to hold it through most of Colorado), we had to unexpectedly step over a body lying on the floor of the bus. She was alive though. Not to worry.

5) Somewhere in Ohio, a woman boards and proceeds to shout; "PEPSI!! DO THE DEW!" several times before starting a full voice round of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall". The bus driver left her at a burger joint in the middle of Nowhere, OH after she informed him that singing on buses was part of who she was, and she had no intention of stopping.

Good for you, sister. Good for you. Sing like there's nobody listening.

6) My kid (who has night terrors), freaks the fuck out on the bus and starts kicking the shit out of me, and anyone walking down the aisle at the time of the meltdown. Sorry, Ma'am.

7) Around Indiana, my child suddenly decides to respond to any question throughout the rest of the trip with, "DEEZ NUTS!"

8) A man put a cell phone charger on my chest while I was sleeping. It did not belong to me. He urged me to take it anyway.

9) The bus "bathroom" was simply a hole in a platform with a bucket at the bottom. No flushing; No water; No sink. In that hole there were bottles, shoes, and many other objects that one would not normally expect to see in a toilet. Oh, don't worry, there were plenty of turds too for us uptight bathroom purists.

10) Desperate to not eat McDonald's A-FUCKING-GAIN, my kid and I made a break for a gas station during a food stop in Kansas. We stepped in ankle deep mud. When we got back on the bus, we take his shoes off and his three day unwashed feet stink up the bus. There was a subsequent announcement made by the bus driver that everyone must keep their shoes on AT ALL TIMES. I am flattered that my kid's feet were the most offensive smell on that bus.

11) Upon stopping in Grand Junction, CO, I asked the bus driver how much time we had (as it was 4pm and no food stops had been made that day yet). He told me that I "should have been listening". I replied; "Seriously? Are you really not going to tell me how long we have?"
His response: "Listen next time".

Edit: I forgot to add in the bus driver who kept getting lost and needed the passengers to use the GPS on their phone to help her navigate. She drove around aimlessly in sketchy parts of towns and ended up went the wrong way on a one way street!

BUT, here are some great pics of all the beautiful places I got to see on my Greyhound adventure. Enjoy. The last two are the best pictures I could get lol.