Sobriety Does Not Mean Everyone Has To Forgive You - And, no, it Doesn't Make You A Victim

I would like to preface this blog with a statement before I jump into it:

I am the child of an addict. My parents are the children of addicts. I have family members on both sides who are addicts. I have dear friends who are recovering addicts. 

Addiction has caused some of my loved ones a lifetime of pain. I have seen some of those same loved ones recover from active addiction and make the daily (in some cases, hourly) commitment to their sobriety, and I think they are pretty much superheroes. I have nothing but admiration and respect for people who are fighting - who get knocked down and get the fuck back up every time. 

I am fairly certain that the only reason I escaped drug and alcohol addiction is due to the fact that I have a near-paralyzing fear of taking medicine, pills, etc... The prospect of addiction terrifies me so much that it has kept me from that path. I have other struggles and demons of my own I battle, and have made it a challenge for people to be around me in many (many) other ways. 

But only by the grace of additional glitches in my own mental health genes, I have not struggled with drugs and alcohol. If I did, I'm sure I'd be dead because I am nowhere near as strong as those I've mentioned above.

All that being said, if you are an addict, and you've alienated, abused, or just flat-out pissed off people in your life, they are under no obligation to let you back in. None.  

I know that seems harsh, and I don't mean it to be. For me, I have family and friends who I would forgive just about anything. I will be there to help them through their struggle - to love them unconditionally. If you come to me on Step 9 , I am nearly 100% likely to listen and forgive. But, if you come to that step and complain that you're a victim of anything other than addiction or abuse that led you to addiction (e.g., you can't believe old friends don't want to talk to you anymore, your grandma won't give you money anymore, your partner doesn't want to move back in and how dare they) I'm not interested.

A quick anecdote; my biological father was absent most of my life. He is an addict. When I was 15, he came back into my life. He had been sober for a long time and wanted to re-connect. I actually moved in with him for a couple of years. 

In that time, I saw him treat people (especially women) horribly. I saw him lie, steal and manipulate others. He was not a person I wanted in my life anymore and by the time I was 19 and I cut him out completely. Just because he had gotten clean, did not mean he was a person I had to keep in my life.

When I told him how I felt, he sent me a note in the mail - "I will miss your sense of humor, your quick wit and your smile."

There was no "Hey, hold on. What can I do to fix this?" He was the sad victim of yet another person abandoning him. 

So, why am I sharing this anecdote?

Because recently, I had a friend publicly, online, engage in a conversation that targeted me negatively. He engaged with, and encouraged, others who were also speaking badly of me. It sucked. It hurt. And when I told him I had seen it and was hurt, there was almost no acknowledgment. There was first a "you misunderstood - that's not what I meant", and then there was nothing. After ten years of friendship - nothing. 

Until a blog post. 

He posted a blog about his struggle with alcoholism (of which I was totally unaware). He called out (although not by name) people who have walked away from him and how hurt he was about that. He posted about projects that fell apart or were assigned to others. His upset about others reactions was far more palpable than his upset with himself.

So, here's what I have to say about the people who choose to walk away from an addict - it's their choice. Yes, it sucks. It hurts like hell to lose friends, colleagues, jobs, family. But this is one of the many horrible effects of the disease of addiction. This is the fallout. There are casualties.

Just as the addict must decide which relationships are best to keep for their sobriety and overall well-being, the circle of the addict must also decide if they can continue the relationship. The addiction is like a grenade and not every relationship makes it through the explosion in one piece - or at all. 

So, if you are a recovering or struggling addict and you have lost longtime friends or family, I am sorry for you. I really am. But that is something for you to heal from and not the responsibility of the walk-away-er. They're gonna have their own healing to do. 

My advice to you if you've hurt someone during the course of your addiction is this: Do your steps. Go to meetings. Apologize when you are in a place to do so. Be clear about where you'd like to see your friendship go from here. And then let them decide what's best for them, and respect it. Also, be aware that getting clean does not mean that you're automatically a good person. Do the work you need to do to figure out what you were using the alcohol or drugs to cover or avoid. Take meds if you need them. Re-evaluate who you are as a human being.

Don't call your loved ones out. Don't guilt them. Don't play the victim. If they choose to not have a relationship with you, respect that. There are many victims of addiction. Give them the space to heal as well - especially if you are brand new to your sobriety. Give them a minute. If they want to reach back, they will. You may lose friends, but you will also make new ones. 

If you are struggling with addiction and need immediate help, you can go to SAMHSA's website. If you can't find a local AA or NA meeting, there are some sites that offer online meetings that you can go to right now. 

Be well for you first.