Only the Surface Will Freeze - Practical Tips For Managing Anxiety & Panic

 “You wake up one morning and there it is, sitting in an old plaid bathrobe in your kitchen, unpleasant and unshaved. You look at it, heart sinking. Madness is a rotten guest.”

― Marya Hornbacher

One day, I was trying to describe my anxiety and panic and managed to compartmentalize them into three thoughts.

You know that feeling when you're running very late for something you absolutely cannot be late for? How it feels like surges of adrenaline with no outlet, just creating a circuit moving around and around your body? Sometimes it kind of feels like that for me.

Or when a lake has frozen over, but the water underneath is still rushing. Outwardly, everything is still and threatening to crack at the slightest disturbance while the water just keeps moving along. This is the kind when I get nothing done and can make no decisions.

And, for me, the worst one of all,

"The Awakening" kind. The anxiety that lets you believe it's gone and you have a few good days or weeks. But slowly, little by little, it creeps back in. Maybe a stomach ache, palpitations, or even just a sudden sense of dread. And then you know it's coming, wait for it to hit you all again, and you go back to being non-functional.

(If you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend you do, but only if you want a really hard, ugly cry.)

Over the years, through trial and error, I've compiled a list of things (sans pablum) that really do help. I should preface this list by saying that if you think you're having a medical or psychiatric emergency, there's no shame in calling for help or going to the ER. I think a lot of times, we anxious types show up to the doctor's office or ER either all the time or never.

I have been assured by many an ER nurse that they'd rather you show up every single time you feel like something's wrong so they can reassure you you're ok than avoid reaching out at all. Your panic or anxiety attack is a refreshing break from what they're used to dealing with in a day.

Also, they are very generous with the emergency anxiety meds - just sayin'. I found Atarax because of a trip to the ER. 

1) Ice packs. An EMT told me this trick once while I was losing my shit, heart racing on my living room couch after just calling 911 CERTAIN I was having a heart attack. (I was not). If your heart is racing, an ice pack on the back of the neck for a few minutes slows it all down.

2) Magnesium. For me, this doesn't help all the time but helps enough that it made this list. I use Natural Vitality Calm because I'm ridiculous about swallowing pills larger than a crumb. I use this one (I am not an affiliate in any way).

3) Electrolytes. I was getting crazy palpitations and extra beats, and when I've had really bad anxiety, bloodwork found that my potassium was low. I just down a Gatorade Zero and usually feel better. 

4) Freezing Meals. On the days I'm functioning pretty well and I cook, I set aside a portion to freeze. Over time, I've compiled probably about a week's worth of meals that everyone in my house can just heat up when I have gone non-functional. It also ensures that I will eat something of substance when even the thought of boiling water is just too much. This also works with take-out meals. 

5) Binaural Beats. I completely discounted this as a resource initially because I thought it was bullshit, but there are studies in neuroscience that support it. I put my earbuds in and go about my day as best I can. I have found that I am sleeping better most nights and can rein in the anxiety attacks before they spiral into panic. Here's a playlist of some of my favorites.

6) Ear Seeds. The MA at my dermatologist's office told me about these. She said her wife uses them and swore by them. Both me and one of my kids tried these, and both felt better. It's possible that we both had a placebo effect, but honestly, as long as we felt better, who cares? They're pretty cheap too. I know it's another Amazon link, but this is how we introverts function. 

7) Worry Dolls. My mother had these in the house when I was a kid, and I've now purchased them as an adult. There's zero science to this one, but I love them, and other people have said they helped too. That's really all that matters. It hurts nothing to put one under your pillow. I whisper my worries to the doll in my cupped hands before putting one under my pillow. Also, inexpensive. 

8) Antihistamine. I know this one borders on medical advice, so I shall state ahead to please ask your doctor about these. Atarax (hydroxyzine) is what I take, and I love it. Its a prescription antihistamine that is used off-label for anxiety. I have also had doctors tell me to use Benadryl or Zyrtec over the counter which have also helped. 

9) Get a Check Up. I know this one is really hard, but if you have health anxiety (like me), you may fixate on one thing over and over while Googling and scaring yourself to death. I am guilty of such Googling. I had a complete cardiac workup done because I was SURE my issues were heart-related. It was really difficult to go through all the testing (nothing that hurt or was invasive, just anxiety-producing), but once I got the all-clear, I wrote little post - it notes to myself so when I start fixating on a symptom, I can refer to all these notes that I was checked and am ok. That helped a ton, honestly. 

Anxiety is a complete mind fuck and creates absolutely real physical symptoms. It's sometimes called a conversion disorder. What you're feeling is real but not dangerous. 

I'm sorry in advance for this last one.

10) Go Outside. Oof, this one is hard. I understand all too well the outrageousness of what I'm suggesting here, but there have been weeks that went by when I didn't see any natural sunlight or feel fresh air. I'm not saying you have to go to a park or even go past your front steps, but just 15-20 minutes of sun really helps me. I usually sit in a chair for a few while listening to the binaural thingys. There is a real link between Vitamin D and anxiety and depression. I am in no way saying that vitamins and fresh air are the cure, but I've found that combining a few of these above (or all of them) do help. 

One last tip that I am not numbering because I decided 10 was a nice even number, and I cannot disturb it because I'm nuts. 

Watch something mindless. 

I usually choose Seinfeld or Family Guy. Just something that means nothing and has no real content or plot line to follow; background noise to just plunk yourself in front of when you cannot do anything else. Pick a show or movie that evokes zero feeling in you for the most part but is yet, still entertaining. Like how we have cat TV. 

Beyond the above list, beyond any other advice people give you, know that it's ok to have to mentally tap out of your day if you need to. I know that isn't easy or possible when you have small children or demanding jobs, but the first chance you can take to have some downtime, take it. On the bad days, maybe the kids get to watch more TV than usual. Maybe they practice reading you a story. Go Fish is pretty low brain power.

Just get through today.

On my very worst days, I try hard to remember that the good ones will make their way back around again.  

The water is still flowing underneath. 

If you want to talk to someone or get some online resources, SAMHSA has a great website which I will link here.

Humbly Admitted

"Invention, it must be humbly admitted, does not consist in creating out of void, but out of chaos" - Mary Shelly

I am late to my mid-life crisis. In my defense, I’ve been very busy. 

Children make you late for everything.

My therapist asked me to make a list of all the things I once enjoyed, and were lost over time due to the responsibilities of motherhood. I had two weeks to compile that list. 

I did not do it.

I found myself lost in the timeline of  The Losing of the Things. 

Where would I begin?

Do I begin with the first turn of my stomach at the smell of a favorite food?

Or the clothes I could no longer wear? 

The near comatose sleep at 8 pm followed by the 1 am wakefulness with subsequent tossing and turning for the rest of the night?

The small tears in the skin as it stretches, and the bruises on the ribs as he turns to make himself comfortable? 

The permanent dent in my forearm from years of carrying car seats?

Or does she mean hot meals and hobbies? Going to the movies and finishing books?

Or am I to recall just the smaller things that were lost? The insignificant? So insignificant they barely warrant an essay,

The bigger things are more complicated. They could fill a book.

But how would I list them without sounding resentful? 

“What you’ve lost” implies a desire to find them again. It implies someone took them. 

And in this case, those someones would be babies. Kindergarteners. Elementary school children with IEPs. Teenagers whose private worlds are imploding. Young adults whose trash ex-boyfriend keeps showing up at places he knows she’s going to be to parade his new, much uglier, girlfriend in front of her. 

Maybe I should call them the things which were set aside. Like a closet door that needs some paint put on the back burner while you repair the roof. I will get to it eventually. 

How could I speak of the things that were set aside without sounding ungrateful for the joys I had while they were waiting?

But those things were a part of my identity and deserve to be found again. They should be united with the motherhood that made Herself queen. They are the stones in the crown. 

Ten minutes of uninterrupted reading, singing, or staring at the leaves on a tree, are the weight in carats. 

I resented her asking me to make this list. I will not blame motherhood. But maybe this was never about the things I’ve lost, but the pieces which must be forged together again. 

The roof is not in such terrible shape that I can’t also attend to the door. 

Maybe this therapist knows what she's doing.

I Was Dreamin' When I Wrote This - Saw Jesus In The Hunger Games

(First of all, you totally sang the title, right?)

I have a colossal amount of anxiety. I often listen to audiobooks at night to help redirect my mind to one thing, instead of 4 quadrillion (I had to look that up to see if it was an actual number 'cuz I don't know maths).

But because my anxiety will not be conquered by a mere mortal, I start to overanalyze the books I'm listening to. My go-to books are all of the Harry Potters, and The Hunger Games series narrated by my wife, Tatiana Maslany. If you don't know who she is, please stop reading this and go watch all the seasons of Orphan Black immediately, and then come back. I'll wait...

I was right, right?

Ok, so anyway, I began to notice (probably 10 years after everyone else noticed) that there are a lot of Christian undertones throughout the book. It started with the bread. The word "panem" is the Latin word for bread - but in this form it is singular. One bread. In book three, Beetee references the phrase "panem et circenses" meaning "bread and games". Coined by the poet Juvenal, it was his denouncement of Romans refusal to mobilize against government control because they were being appeased with food and entertainment. 

Side note on gladiators: As in the Hunger Games of the series, some of the gladiators were not slaves (or were they though? 🤔) and separated and unionized themselves (as mirrored by "career" Districts 1 & 2). The women called Amazons and Achillia were also gladiators, but forgotten by history like Mary Magdalene (I'm gonna get to that in a minute).

Also, gladiator games were first played as part of funeral services. Slaves and prisoners would fight to the death as a eulogy to the wealthy, also mirrored by the Hunger Games as a yearly penance to atone for challenging the power of the Capitol. 

So, even if you only saw the movies, you'd notice the recurring bread themes. Peeta gave Katniss bread when she was starving (ok, well in the movies they make it look like he didn't give her the bread, but in the book, he burned them on purpose because he knew he'd be made to throw them to the pigs outside and gave them to her instead). 

Rue's district sent Katniss bread after her death in book one. Bread was used as a method of communication to the rebels in the arena in book two. When you register for the the tessera (a Latin word for "tally") you are exchanging your name entered in the Hunger Games drawing additional times for a ration of grain and oil. 

Bread in Christianity is associated with God's generosity. Biblically, oil is used to anoint or sanctify - especially during ritual sacrifice which we are told the Tributes are. 

But in the Hunger Games series, "God" exists in both the cruel Capitol as well as the impoverished Districts themselves. I see the Capitol and Districts as the Old and New Testaments, and the very many sects of Christianity. Each District has its own specific bread that is a reflection of the District and its people themselves. The Capitol reminds me of government using religion to oppress and control. 

There are 12 Districts for the 12 apostles -except there were 13 apostles. Mary Magdalene has been long thought to have been Jesus' most beloved apostle written out of the Testaments entirely in most cases - but not completely forgotten as with District 13 in the series. 

District 13's story was told by the Capitol as a cautionary tale - that they were razed to ashes when they rose up against the Capitol during the rebellion.

Much in the way Mary Magdalene was reduced to a prostitute and her true story and power was never told. In book two it is hinted that District 13 was left unharmed due to its possession of nuclear weapons. This is confirmed in book 3. 

Comparatively, does the truth surrounding Jesus' most loved apostle also threaten the very foundation of Christian theology?

Initially, when I read the books, I assumed that never having Katniss and Peeta do more than kiss for the first book, and having them claim to have gotten married (and sealing the deal with, again, some bread) ahead of faking a pregnancy in the second, was more for the YA audience these books target.

But being that the Divergent series literally has Tris having sex with Four all over Chicago, and the sexual violence of the first of that series as well as in Twilight and Unwind, I kind of feel like this was a morality decision for Suzanne Collins, who is Catholic.

I respect that, Suzanne. 

I also respect that she chose to write a strong, female protagonist to rail against patriarchy, despite her Catholic background. 

Unlike this mess:

Pirates and Thieves - Work At Home (and other scams) During the Time of Covid

 "The number one rule of thieves is that nothing is too small to steal" - Jimmy Breslin

I love this quote because in a time when most have nothing left to steal, the thieves of the world will simply steal time. 

That is, of course, the minimum providing we don't fall for the fake HR paperwork and give them our social security numbers and banking information for the paycheck that we will never see.

In the first 30 days of quarantine, I was solicited by scammers 15 times - and one almost got me. All was quiet for awhile, but as we enter into the holiday season, 

I have been a Virtual Assistant for more than a decade. So, during the lockdown, I turned to Zip Recruiter, Indeed, LinkedIn, Hire My Mom, Remote, Career Builder, and Glassdoor to look for work.

Scammers from ALL these companies found me. Some from companies I had not posted my resume' with found me as well.

In almost all cases, the scammers simply hijacked an existing company that is easily Googled and researched. Once you have established that this is a legit company, you (if all goes as planned) respond to their email with interest.

They will then request you interview with them via Google Hangouts or Whats App. This is your first red flag. 

Here's a screenshot from an actual email I received with some other red flags to look for:

In addition to the above, if a company offers to pay you an "advance" on your salary or offers to pay a huge amount of money for "home office set up", this should also be treated as suspect. Sometimes a company will try and gather your banking info to make a deposit into your account, and then rob you.

Sometimes, they will send you a check and then ask for the "balance" returned to them. Shortly after you've sent them the balance or return of over-payment, your bank will notify you that the check  you initially received was fraudulent and now you are suddenly at the center of a money laundering investigation when all you were trying to do is find some work.

If you fall victim to one of these scams, you will have very little recourse. Most of the scammers are from other countries and extremely difficult to track down.

There has also been an increase in click baiting people with false job offers, leading to confusion and frustration.

Some even tell you you have an interview with a company, and if it's a company you applied to, or you are using a hiring agency, you may show up to meet a very confused hiring manager who has no idea who you are.

Some of these look kind of like this:

What flax seed has to do with anything is beyond me unless you applied to be a flax seed salesperson.

Here's a few ways to determine if a work from home opportunity is legitimate.

1) The email should come from a company account, or provide a direct link to the company's website.

2) There should be a company phone number. If it doesn't match what's on the website, call the number and ask to speak to their HR department or hiring manager and confirm they contacted you.

3) They will schedule either a phone or face-to-face(or face-to-Facetime) interview. Not Google Hangouts or Whatsapp.

4) Search for employee reviews of the company. They can save you a ton of time and aggravation.

5) Make sure the job description has a clear outline as to what the compensation is. If they leave it blank, or if the range is 32k-180k a year, it's a good indication that it might be an MLM (aka pyramid scheme) or commission only position. 

6) If they agree to hire you without an actual interview, or offer you a much larger than normal salary for the position for which you are applying, be skeptical. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. 

Here's what you can do if you come across a scammer:

In most cases, you can "report" a job opening. There is usually an option to choose "scam or spam".

In the case of LinkedIn and "recruiters" who find and solicit you, you can right click on their profile and choose "report". Here's a screenshot from a scam account I reported so you can see where to find that option.

When in doubt, look for the company's physical location and (again) direct email and phone number to reach out. 

I emailed a company I knew existed, but doubted the job opportunity and they were super grateful I brought the ad to their attention. Who knows? They may even remember you when they are actually looking for new employees. 

And while this scam may not be about employment, it's one that I'm seeing more and more.

I received the below text immediately after making a purchase on Amazon, so I thought it might be legit. 

Once I logged in (ugh, I know. It got me), I was prompted to enter in a bunch of personal information and also information having nothing to do with my account directly (they wanted my phone carrier information and personal pin for my phone as well as my full social security number).

So while I recognized that it was a scam, I recognized it after "logging in" and therefore had to change my password and notify Wells Fargo immediately.

I also changed my Amazon password as it was pretty suspect that I received the notification right after a purchase. But damn, it looked real. 

When in doubt (and be doubtful of most things until we are in more secure times) call. Call the employer, call the bank, call Amazon - whoever reached out to you. Set up 2-step verification where applicable. I know it's a pain in the ass, but it's better than being robbed. 

Stay safe out there!

Myka Stauffer Is A Garbage Person - But Not For The Obvious Reasons. (And So Is James)

The obvious reasons being the adoption, exploitation and then abandonment of her son (I will not be using his name or photo in this blog post at all, but will refer to him as "H"). 

I will also not be sharing links to her videos as I don't think she should make one more fucking dime off of them.

However, if you're not familiar with this story, you can read about it here: Garbage People Make Money Off Of Special Needs Child, Then Put Him in Foster Care and Still Keep Making Money Off Of Him

I'd like to say that there have been many cases of children being "returned" after being adopted and I am not commenting on my feelings about all that. 

But, in this case, I'd like to comment as a mother of a child with Autism and other special needs.

This shit is hard. 

It. Is. Hard. Not being able to give your child the help they need is not a crime. Sometimes, the family does not have the means or resources and have to opt for a therapeutic foster home or residential care. 

That has to be a heartbreaking and very personal decision and is in no way the same thing as what Myka and James did. 

I gave birth to my child and did not have the advantage that Myka and James had of knowing what his needs and issues would be beforehand. I wish I had. It would have have been great to be able to have a plan in place to meet those needs.

Myka is also a registered nurse. Girl, if a nurse in a mansion can't handle it, then we're all fucked. 

But, like a lot of parents (adoptive and biological), I went through the long and difficult process of evaluations, meltdowns, IEP meetings and sleepless nights before we began to unravel my kiddo's mysteries.

The reason the Stauffer's are garbage people is that they highly publicized the adoption process which gained them tens of thousands of new subscribers (subscribers that didn't hop on board when they tried homeschooling and going vegan). 

They monetized these videos and asked for donations which I don't have an issue with (the donation part), except for the fact that she is clearly well-off and living in a nearly million dollar home. 

Her YouTube channel's net worth for the month of June is over $160,000. So, she clearly financially gains from using her children as revenue. 

Again, do you know what I could do with $160,000 a month?? It would be more than buying a new pair Golden Goose  sneakers for $500. Myka also posted a video stating she didn't want to pay the $500 a month for H's therapy while wearing a $6,000 watch.

Even though H is no longer part of her family, she continues to leave up and monetize videos with him in them. 

That is reprehensible. She may be a sociopath. I dunno. 

Myka routinely posted videos of H having what she called "meltdowns". Biiiiish. You have no idea. Now, it's possible that we weren't seeing the worst of it, but the videos she posts to gain sympathy are most likely what she thinks will get her the most of that.

H was actually acting like a toddler. Because he was three. I did not see one major tantrum in any of these video clips. Myka stated that he bites, kicks and hits. Ya know, like a three year old. 

I should also mention that H was 3-4 years old and willingly doing chores. Mine is 11 and I'd drop dead of shock if he took it upon himself to do a damn chore. 

As far as their treatment of H, they were garbage on top of garbage. James frequently complained that H always wanted to eat and "stared"at James while he was eating which drove him "crazy".

Myka duct taped H's thumb so he'd stop sucking it for comfort. 

She and James used this child, who was suffering with Autism and Adoption Trauma  to gain followers and to make money.

In addition, her biological children lived with H as their brother for two years before he was "re-homed" (which is a fucking gross use of that word for a human being). She gave birth to another son after they adopted H who has never known life without him.

How are they supposed to recover? 

I'm sure the trip they took to Bali after she unloaded H into the foster care system helped take the edge off. 

When subscribers stopped seeing H in the Stauffer's videos, they demanded to know where he was. In a crocodile tear filled video, Myka and James claimed they gave him to a new home based on advice from doctors (Yeah, ok. A doctor told you to put your 4 year old up for adoption because he has Autism) and H's own request to be re-homed. Your non-verbal child requested to go into foster care? Sure, Jan.

And even if he did say he wanted to go to a new family, my kid does that on the regular. That doesn't mean I drop him off at the fire department. You don't let a 4 year old decide his whole life. 

So, you may be asking what the point is of this blog besides raging.

Nothing. Not a damn thing. 

I'm furious. 

You do not "return" children.

You do not use children as revenue.

You do not use international or special needs adoption as a prop for your Vlog.

And you most certainly do not get to say it's too hard while wearing $500 sneakers in your mansion.