When Having Special Needs Interferes With Education

I think the first time I noticed my son was going to have difficulties in school was when he was 4 years old.

He was in a special education pre-school program and got off the bus at the end of the day with a 103 fever. He told me he'd had a headache all day. His teachers didn't know because, at that time, he did not speak to anyone but me. 

Yes, his teachers should have seen that something was wrong but they didn't. They didn't when he had an accident and spent the whole day in wet clothes, and they didn't when they marked him as "significantly academically delayed" because he couldn't say his alphabet. 

He knew the alphabet, of course...but he couldn't say it when asked if he knew it. It was easier for him to shake his head "no".

Over the years, he began to start speaking to peers first, then over time, select teachers. By the time he got to the third grade, he was speaking to everyone at school. *phew*

All ends well. Fin.

Not really. 

Xander began having major panic attacks about going to school. Having multiple diagnoses, on any given morning there were obstacles to overcome. Here's a blog post about one of our morning battles.

Whether it was a round of particularly brutal tics caused by his Tourette Syndrome, an epic meltdown over socks that were "not right" (thank you, Autism), a blind rage caused by either his ADHD or the Disruptive Mood Disorder (those two spend a lot of time together), or your run of the mill panic attack or upset stomach due to yet another medication. There was always something. 

"Perhaps he needs a specialized environment that would help him adjust to school after a rough morning", I thought. So I started asking his school for a referral to a therapeutic school. Cut to 18 months, a dozen rejections, a letter from his psychiatrist and an educational advocate later, he was finally placed into what our school system calls the Resolve Program.

He showed up, sat in a classroom with other kids who were turning over desks, punching teachers (and sometimes students) and falling further behind. He was released at the end of the school year after "successfully completing" the program and referred back to his regular school. 

*I should note here that despite the fact that he fails his state testing every single year, they move him onto the next grade regardless of readiness. He begins every school year struggling academically*

Now, in 5th grade (and two hospitalizations later), we are back to where we began. Except that this time, after several "unexcused absences" (because having multiple debilitating diagnoses isn't an excuse apparently) the school called CPS. 

To be fair, the call to CPS wasn't just about the absences, but about the overall safety of Xander at home, as well as concerns for the safety of the rest of us. His team at school (with whom I requested a meeting to get some support regarding his fears about coming to school) suggested that CPS could fast track the many waiting lists we were on for services.

CPS came out to the house in September. It is now nearly mid-November. We have heard nothing back from them. So much for the "fast track." 

Update: In December they closed our case. With no resources or further discussion. 

When I recently went to the school 15 minutes prior to dismissal to sign Xander out for an appointment (he tends to have lots of these), I was met with hostility. The front desk lady (who knows who she is) informed me that the note I sent his teacher, as well as the email I sent out to the entire team informing them all that he would be leaving early, in no way excused this "absence" (again, 15 minutes before the regular dismissal time)  and reminded me of all the other "unexcused" absences he had accumulated so early in the year.

I told her that while I'm sorry those remain "unexcused" according to school policy, they were unavoidable. She then told me that I needed to get it "straightened out" or there would be "consequences". 

I did not care for this threat at all. I laughed and told her to feel free to call CPS again, collected my kid, and stormed out of the building fuming.

I received a letter from the school system shortly thereafter threatening me with family court. I am not kidding. 

I emailed his entire team the angriest email I've ever written.

All I have been trying to do since this child was 3 years old is get him the help he needs to succeed in school. 

His IQ is too high for the local school for children with special needs. Too low for residential programs that would otherwise take him. One program does not take kids who have Autism as their primary diagnosis (I never understand this one. What difference does it make if his Autism is at the top or the middle of the list?) 

Another program will take kids with Autism, but not with other co-morbid conditions.

Also, every single one of those lists has endless obstacle courses parents must go through as well as years-long waiting lists. 

We have tried homeschool (which, of course, our school system did not like at all because they called dibs on failing him), cyber school (no way can he sit at home for 6 hours a day at a desk. Seriously, he can't even do that at school). He is too volatile at home to effectively learn here. I cannot educate him alone without adequate resources. And yes, we have an IEP.

According to ACMH, "Nationally, only 40 percent of students with emotional, behavioral and mental health disorders graduate from high school, compared to the national average of 76 percent; 3 and, Over 50% of students with emotional and behavioral disabilities ages 14 and older, drop out of high school. This is the highest drop out rate of any disability group".

The American Psychological Association says "The committee found that the deinstitutionalization movement of the 1960s — which shut down large treatment facilities for the mentally ill — coupled with the lack of community resources to treat them, resulted in some people going to prisons and jails instead. One study found this trend accounts for about 7 percent of prison population growth from 1980 to 2000 — representing 40,000 to 72,000 people in prisons who would likely have been in mental hospitals in the past.

If these statistics applied to children with Diabetes, I feel like we'd have more options. More care would be taken. There is something about mental health in our society that demands less attention. It's not solely the fault of the teachers. After all, they are not psych nurses. And having worked in childcare myself, I am all too aware of the challenges a child with behavioral issues presents to the whole. 

We claim "inclusion" for children with all kinds of differences, but we don't give them the tools they need to be successful in that inclusion, which results in simply being a body in a typically functioning classroom. This is not the same as being included. 

My child cannot do 2 hours of homework every night. He just can't. He doesn't have it in him after a full day of trying to self-control to avoid embarrassment. He then comes home and explodes. Homework doesn't get done. He loses recess, his only chance during the day to get outside and release all that energy.

Rinse and repeat.

So, what to do?

The short answer is, have more therapeutic schools with different classroom ability levels, small class sizes, a school nurse with a psych background and a psychiatrist who visits a few times a week. Also, have these schools throughout so many parts of the country that no child is waiting years to get in. 

But that solution requires money, better healthcare for at-risk children, more parent support, respite care, residential options....it requires the whole damn village. 

I'd love to hear what your experiences are/were with your child's educational journey in the comments section here. And thank you for letting me rant my frustrations and taking the time to read them.


#AllTheRibbons
#Autism
#MentalHealth
#Education
#Wellness
#Advocacy

How To Put Yourself Forward As An Independent Artist Without Looking Like A Jerk

On the back of my previous blog post entitled "How To Make People Think You Are Extremely Important In 5 Easy Steps", I thought it only fair to include a list of "do's" and "don't's" for us artists too, because we tend to be ego-centric a-holes sometimes.

1) Don't Hijack Someone Else's Post - I literally saw this today - A filmmaker posted his good news about a new project that was recently green-lighted.  There was a steady stream of "Congratulations!" and "Can't wait to hear more about your project" followed by that one guy who has to post, "Hey if you need music for the film, check out my stuff at IDontKnowHowToPickMySpots.com." Don't do this. There's a time and a place to reach out, but steering a conversation around to you and your music is not cool. It looked like the filmmaker didn't think it was too cool either as the artist's post was the only one he didn't respond to. It's obnoxious. Wish them well and move on for now. Don't steal their thunder.

2) Be Polite And Do Your Research When Reaching Out - I know as artists we reach out to lots of filmmakers, producers, and music supervisors every week. It's all a part of networking, and most industry folks know this. If you have connected via LinkedIn, and they have accepted, don't reach out until you've done enough research on their past projects as well as up-coming ones they might have. Take the time to listen to their music, watch their film, or read their blog, etc. Message them privately. Make sure that their projects are in line with your style and capabilities. People love to know that you are familiar with, and admire their work. If you follow them on Twitter or Instagram, make sure you regularly interact with them on posts you find interesting. Don't hit and run them with "Hey, check me out" and never speak to them again.

3) Ask About They're Submission Policy...Like, Before You Submit - If you've found a music supervisor or publisher online, and you're not clear on if or how they accept unsolicited music from Indie artists, reach out an ask them. Mention any current projects you know they have and let them know you have a song you think would be perfect for it and why. Keep it brief and always include a "sound-alike" reference. Example: "Classic, guitar-driven rock a'la Bon Jovi". If they do not accept unsolicited material, then please don't submit it to them. It's just rude. They will remember rudeness more than they will remember whatever song you sent. Don't throw shit at them that they don't want.

4) Don't Ask For Free Music, Beats, Vocals, Mixing, etc... - I honestly can't believe people still do this, but they do. It's insulting, rude and frankly, very amateur. You know how you're struggling to make it and are (most likely) doing it on your own? Well, so are most people. Can you afford to just give someone a few hundred (or thousand) dollars? If so, then you don't need free tracks. If not, then don't ask anyone to work for free either. Offering to add their name to your track, or pay them back-end royalties when you have no representation or plan in place, does not equal actual money. Don't insult someone's hard work by both asking for it and devaluing it at the same time. And, don't be insulted when they say "no." We're all just trying to make it.

5) Give Feedback That Counts If You Want The Same - I sometimes frequent a chat room for artists in a site I'll just call Schubmit Schmub. In this chat room, artists can get feedback on their music after they've listened to someone else's song and have given feedback. Nine times out of ten the feedback goes something like this: "Cool track. Take a listen to my new song, "No One Cares About You Though." If the genre of the song is not something you'd normally listen to, don't. Wait for something that you might like more. Listen to at least half the song (or one verse and one hook) and think of actual constructive critique. Or, you're likely to get a "Cool. Here's my shit now" feedback on yours. It's not all about you.

Also, for you bloggers and reviewers, if an artist has paid for feedback, please follow the above rules. Put a little thought into it. Even if it's only one sentence, make it count. Don't take artists already limited money just to give them a one-word feedback. That's shitty. And if you only accept certain genres, make that clear. Don't say "all genres" just to make a few more bucks and then include "I only review country music" in your review. 

I put together "posters" using the most unhelpful and weird feedback I've ever received to point out how ridiculous some of it was:

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you - musically. That is all.

How To Make People Think You Are Extremely Important In 5 Easy Steps

In the world of business, it sometimes becomes necessary to network and connect with people who may be able to help move you forward and vice versa. This is especially important in the world of the Arts. Musicians, actors, filmmakers, painters and photographers are always hustling to land their next gig. But who are you? A relative nobody, right? You want to look like you're somebody pretty damn influential, so based on my observations, here's a quick tip list on how you can appear extremely important, and therefore, make those crucial connections. Or not. Whatever.

1) Have a LinkedIn account for networking, but leave people with no actual way of connecting with you. Make sure to set your settings to lockdown mode so people can't connect, message or reach you in any way. All they should be able to do is "follow" you like the sheep they are. Additionally, always view other people's profiles in "private" mode to maintain the illusion that you are not a real person. 

2) In case someone does get through your protective Wall of Importance, and reaches out in admiration of your work or states that they'd like to stay in touch with you after sharing some of theirs, make sure to answer this email or message with a simple "👍", and never, ever, write actual words back to them. 

3) Make sure your profile picture contains a photo of you either holding an award or wearing a lanyard. Having a bustling event as the backdrop of your photo can really boost your business cred here.

4) When setting up your social media handle, always include a dollar sign (or two) at the beginning or end of your name. If possible, include it at both ends. This will ensure that people viewing your profile know that you are loaded with cash money and therefore don't need shit from anyone. 

5) Always, always post status updates that prove that you are doing something important - but never say exactly what it is. Something like "grinding" or "big project in the works" should suffice. Add the hashtags "Motivation", "HustleHard", "BeastmodeOn", "Success" or "Blessed" if at all possible. Motivational memes with quotes someone else wrote are great here too in the event that you are too busy to type (which you should totally be anyway). All memes should have amber or shadowy tones. 

Following these simple tips will not only tell the world that you are uber-successful but also that you got that way entirely on your own and have never worked with anyone ever. 

Good luck and happy non-networking! #BillionaireLifestyle

Sobriety Does Not Mean Everyone Has To Forgive You - And, no, it Doesn't Make You A Victim

I would like to preface this blog with a statement before I jump into it:

I am the child of an addict. My parents are the children of addicts. I have family members on both sides who are addicts. I have dear friends who are recovering addicts. 

Addiction has caused some of my loved ones a lifetime of pain. I have seen some of those same loved ones recover from active addiction and make the daily (in some cases, hourly) commitment to their sobriety, and I think they are pretty much superheroes. I have nothing but admiration and respect for people who are fighting - who get knocked down and get the fuck back up every time. 

I am fairly certain that the only reason I escaped drug and alcohol addiction is due to the fact that I have a near-paralyzing fear of taking medicine, pills, etc... The prospect of addiction terrifies me so much that it has kept me from that path. I have other struggles and demons of my own I battle, and have made it a challenge for people to be around me in many (many) other ways. 

But only by the grace of additional glitches in my own mental health genes, I have not struggled with drugs and alcohol. If I did, I'm sure I'd be dead because I am nowhere near as strong as those I've mentioned above.

All that being said, if you are an addict, and you've alienated, abused, or just flat-out pissed off people in your life, they are under no obligation to let you back in. None.  

I know that seems harsh, and I don't mean it to be. For me, I have family and friends who I would forgive just about anything. I will be there to help them through their struggle - to love them unconditionally. If you come to me on Step 9 , I am nearly 100% likely to listen and forgive. But, if you come to that step and complain that you're a victim of anything other than addiction or abuse that led you to addiction (e.g., you can't believe old friends don't want to talk to you anymore, your grandma won't give you money anymore, your partner doesn't want to move back in and how dare they) I'm not interested.

A quick anecdote; my biological father was absent most of my life. He is an addict. When I was 15, he came back into my life. He had been sober for a long time and wanted to re-connect. I actually moved in with him for a couple of years. 

In that time, I saw him treat people (especially women) horribly. I saw him lie, steal and manipulate others. He was not a person I wanted in my life anymore and by the time I was 19 and I cut him out completely. Just because he had gotten clean, did not mean he was a person I had to keep in my life.

When I told him how I felt, he sent me a note in the mail - "I will miss your sense of humor, your quick wit and your smile."

There was no "Hey, hold on. What can I do to fix this?" He was the sad victim of yet another person abandoning him. 

So, why am I sharing this anecdote?

Because recently, I had a friend publicly, online, engage in a conversation that targeted me negatively. He engaged with, and encouraged, others who were also speaking badly of me. It sucked. It hurt. And when I told him I had seen it and was hurt, there was almost no acknowledgment. There was first a "you misunderstood - that's not what I meant", and then there was nothing. After ten years of friendship - nothing. 

Until a blog post. 

He posted a blog about his struggle with alcoholism (of which I was totally unaware). He called out (although not by name) people who have walked away from him and how hurt he was about that. He posted about projects that fell apart or were assigned to others. His upset about others reactions was far more palpable than his upset with himself.

So, here's what I have to say about the people who choose to walk away from an addict - it's their choice. Yes, it sucks. It hurts like hell to lose friends, colleagues, jobs, family. But this is one of the many horrible effects of the disease of addiction. This is the fallout. There are casualties.

Just as the addict must decide which relationships are best to keep for their sobriety and overall well-being, the circle of the addict must also decide if they can continue the relationship. The addiction is like a grenade and not every relationship makes it through the explosion in one piece - or at all. 

So, if you are a recovering or struggling addict and you have lost longtime friends or family, I am sorry for you. I really am. But that is something for you to heal from and not the responsibility of the walk-away-er. They're gonna have their own healing to do. 

My advice to you if you've hurt someone during the course of your addiction is this: Do your steps. Go to meetings. Apologize when you are in a place to do so. Be clear about where you'd like to see your friendship go from here. And then let them decide what's best for them, and respect it. Also, be aware that getting clean does not mean that you're automatically a good person. Do the work you need to do to figure out what you were using the alcohol or drugs to cover or avoid. Take meds if you need them. Re-evaluate who you are as a human being.

Don't call your loved ones out. Don't guilt them. Don't play the victim. If they choose to not have a relationship with you, respect that. There are many victims of addiction. Give them the space to heal as well - especially if you are brand new to your sobriety. Give them a minute. If they want to reach back, they will. You may lose friends, but you will also make new ones. 

If you are struggling with addiction and need immediate help, you can go to SAMHSA's website. If you can't find a local AA or NA meeting, there are some sites that offer online meetings that you can go to right now. 

Be well for you first. 

Kale. Huh. Good God - What Is It Good For? When Your Vegan Expectations Are Too High

I juiced an entire colander of kale this morning. Because we lost power for a day, *note to self - open your mail sometimes*, I wanted to use up as much stuff as I could before the settling mush made them inedible.

Kale, celery, the last remaining recognizable peach, blueberries, and carrots. The guinea pig and I just saved about $20 in produce from ending up in the trash. (Thanks, Hammy!)

As I sucked down my concoction, I was thinking about how fucking healthy I was being this morning. After all, there's vitamin something in non-specific cancer-fighting amounts in all that stuff. Also, they are probably good for any number of my various health issues. I'm sure of it. I can feel the miracles hard at work in my gut right now. But do I know what combinations of nutrients I took in? Nope. But, it's gonna fix me right up.

But I know better. All I've really done is drink all the food that was going bad in my refrigerator.

I've been vegan for about a year now. Before I went vegan (or plant-based for those of you who will say I cannot be vegan unless I'm doing so solely for ethical reasons. Also, chill out.) I had high cholesterol, autoimmune disease, fibromyalgia, arthritis, depression, anxiety, interstitial cystitis, adenomyosis, vitamin D deficiency and gastritis.

A year after going completely vegan, here's what's changed:

I still have high cholesterol, autoimmune disease, fibromyalgia, arthritis, depression, anxiety, interstitial cystitis, adenomyosis, vitamin D deficiency and gastritis. I now also have a kidney stone. In all fairness, I probably had this kidney stone for a long time, but only found out now. I used to eat candy corn by the warehouse-sized bags. It is no one's fault but my own.

At this point, you may be thinking this is an anti-vegan blog post. It is not. I'm still vegan (ok, plant-based. Shut up.)

But, here's what I've learned:

Going vegan is not a cure-all. It could be for you - but don't bank on it. I found myself watching "Forks Over Knives" and "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" as if they were gospel. They are great documentaries. I actually love all the food documentaries. Even if I don't agree with them all 100%, I  love watching people on their journey to better health. I love it when they can come off of their blood pressure medication, insulin, etc... It makes me happy :)

But, if you go into veganism thinking it will be the miracle cure for all your ills, you may be disappointed. I was. The more my various health issues caused me pain, the more I had to eliminate certain foods from my diet (as my doctors suggested I do). This created other problems for me, which you can read about in my blog "When Medical Issues Reboot Eating Disorders."

So, I had to chill for a minute and re-think my expectations while measuring them against the big picture.

Here's what else I've noticed:

There has been no progression of my diseases (with the exception of the gastritis/reflux - which required medication I was not taking.) I am not sicker. A lot of my issues are progressive - and by and large, they have not progressed. I believe whole-heartedly that changing the way I eat has benefited me. Cutting down on sugar (which either way is "vegan" unless it has bone char) has been the most beneficial to my health. That was my biggest struggle, and I have made great strides there.

I have lost what seems to be a "permanent" ten pounds. I am at a normal weight, and that's pretty cool and good for my overall health. I attribute this to cutting back on all the sugar I was eating, however, and not the plant-based diet. Just an assumption - don't @ me.

Halting the progression of disease is still a success. If you are like me and expected a complete reversal of all your ills because you've gone plant-based, you might be tempted to say "Fuck it! This shit doesn't work" and head to your nearest McDonalds. I don't blame you. I've been there too.

I'm lazy about food. I don't like to cook and pretty much suck at it. I don't take my vitamins like I'm supposed to. B12 and Vitamin D are imperative to take if you're plant-based or you're going to feel like ass. These are things that probably definitely set me back in my health goals. While I have a love/hate relationship with Cronometer, I have to say it is really useful in monitoring the nutrients you are actually taking in in a day. If you feel like shit, you might want to investigate what you may be missing because I promise you, McDonald's is not gonna fix it.

The point of this rambling "is this pro-vegan or anti-vegan?" blog is to have reasonable expectations or just no expectations at all. Eating more fruits and veggies is usually a good thing. If all you have to eat in the house is animal-based, or eating an animal product makes your life easier for a bit, do that.

A friend told me that veganism isn't about perfection. It's about doing the least amount of harm to the animals, the environment, and of course to you. Processed meats have been linked to various cancers and therefore probably best to avoid if possible.

See your doctor if you've been plant-based for awhile and aren't feeling great, or aren't seeing the results you want. There might be something else going on.

And for god's sake, please don't count on vegan Youtubers to get medical or nutritional advice. They're pretty much all crazy.

But, by all means, please do enjoy my video on how to sneak vegan food into an amusement park that doesn't allow outside food. Be well. Literally. However you have to get there. :)

The New, New Colossus

Not like the Amazonian lady of New World fame,

With welcoming arms astride from shore to shore;

Here at our greed-washed lands, golden gates shall close

A tired woman with a torch, whose flame

Is now the extinguished lightning, and her name

Mother of Dissatisfaction. 

From her heavy hand glows world-wide rejection;

Her furious eyes command

The dystopian harbor that twin cities frame.

“Conquer stolen lands, your storied pomp!” cries she

With roaring lips. “Give me your wealthy, your children,

Your English - speaking computer programmers yearning to breathe free,

The pale white Christian only of your teeming shore.

Send these, the Kings, Martha's Vineyard, and golf-tost to me,

I shut my gates beside the golden door!”

When Medical Issues Reboot Eating Disorders

So, the inner dialogue goes like this:

"I'm hungry."

"So, eat something."

"There's nothing I can eat."

"So, don't eat."

"But I'm hungry."

"Maybe a cracker?"

"I could eat a cracker. That would be ok. But what about the salt? I'm not supposed to have a lot of salt."

"True. Maybe skip the cracker."

"Ok. What about yogurt?"

"You're not supposed to eat that either. Dairy is no good for you."

"Yes, but I'm hungry. Maybe half a yogurt?"

"Do you really want to risk it?"

"No. You're right."

"I could have a sandwich. Like maybe with just lettuce?"

"A sandwich takes too long to put together. Maybe you should wait and re-visit this at lunch."

"Ok. Good idea. A sandwich will just make me fat anyway. Bread is evil."

And, at lunch, this conversation will occur again. And at dinner. And at breakfast the next day as my stomach eats a hole into itself and my back aches from it. I take my stomach medicine so the acid doesn't come up during the night and choke me. I sleep with little straw next to my bed just like the doctor told me to. The straws will open up my vocal chords when I am struggling to breathe. I keep the straws everywhere. I look like I have a cocaine problem.

It started with gynecological conditions. Dairy and meat went away. Autoimmune disease - no fried foods. No sugar. Nothing inflammatory. Then, high cholesterol. No more oil. Interstitial cystitis - no coffee, no tea, no nightshades, no nicotine, no citrus, nothing spicy. Kidney stone - no nuts, no calcium (ok some calcium, but not TOO much), drink lots of lemon water and apple cider vinegar (except don't because ulcers and reflux - go check on your straws).

My weight goes down, but it's great because it's not anorexia this time, I'm just following doctor's orders.

I get an x-ray because everything hurts. The tech wraps the x-ray shield around me and proclaims me small. I am confused. The doctor then weighs me and says I don't have a weight problem.

Quacks.

My life, to my great glee, is once again revolving around food restriction.

I am depressed. My doctor gives me Lexapro. I do not take it. It will make me fat. I'm sure of it.

I contract a stomach virus. As I vomit violently, I think to myself that I can't wait to weigh myself in the morning. I lose three pounds. That's all. I am still too heavy. I am sad.

Enter the saltines again. This is what one eats when they've had a stomach virus. I eat this for the next two days - just in case. I do not drink the ginger-ale. It's not good for my reflux, interstitial cystitis or my liver. Water only. I vape obsessively. I was told to quit by my doctors, but I resent them for taking everything away from me and fuck that shit.

I have total control and none at the same time.

Food addiction and related eating disorders are the most difficult ones to treat in my opinion. I am not minimizing the hell of alcoholism and drug addiction, but you cannot avoid food. You have to have it to stay alive. It's like telling any other addict you must have some heroin every day, but not too much.

This morning, as the room spins, I decide on oatmeal. It is simple. It's one thing. The instructions say one cup. I obediently dump exactly one cup into a bowl. Well, that's ridiculous. That's way too much. I take out 1/3. I eat 1/2 of the 1/3. I am suddenly good at math.

Now, I'm hungry again. What the fuck is wrong with me? I just had breakfast! Animal. Go vape and get that shit under control.

And, just like that, I'm sucked back in. It was sneaky this time. I wasn't dieting. Yes, I believed (and believe) I was fat. But I was in remission and doing great (liar). 

At best, the recovery rate for eating disorders is about 60%. At worst, you die. As with any addiction, you are never "cured." You are always in either a state of remission or relapse. It is always present. It follows you around, skulking in your kitchen and under your bed whispering - pretending it is your best friend and is trying to help you. It knows everything about you and uses that knowledge to "feed" you lies.

Even as I type this, I am contemplating the applesauce cups on my kitchen counter. But I just had oatmeal, so I elbow those thoughts in the face and move along. I overfeed my children, along with anyone else's because I have no idea what a normal amount of food is and children can't just eat crackers.

I was afraid to write this. I was afraid that anyone who didn't know this about me would feel sorry for me. Or think I was crazy. Or think I was just being negative and attention seeking. But, a co-worker and I were discussing mental health yesterday, and how the secretiveness of mental illness is a death sentence in the big picture. Sometimes we have to bring out the ugly - the scary. Sometimes we have to speak it, not because we want to, but because we don't want to hide in the shadows clutching the illness' hand trying not to be found.

And then there is the fear of those dreaded words that, without fail, always make an appearance - "Well, you don't look anorexic." Side note: the correct term is "anorectic", which is also a misnomer because we are really fucking hungry. Don't let us fool you. We could out-eat Kobayashi.

Sometimes you want to let that grip go for a minute and say, "You wait here. I have to go talk to someone real quick, but I'll be back". I don't want to go back, but if I don't, it will find me anyway.

And, it will be pissed.