The New, New Colossus

Not like the Amazonian lady of New World fame,

With welcoming arms astride from shore to shore;

Here at our greed-washed lands, golden gates shall close

A tired woman with a torch, whose flame

Is now the extinguished lightning, and her name

Mother of Dissatisfaction. 

From her heavy hand glows world-wide rejection;

Her furious eyes command

The dystopian harbor that twin cities frame.

“Conquer stolen lands, your storied pomp!” cries she

With roaring lips. “Give me your wealthy, your children,

Your English - speaking computer programmers yearning to breathe free,

The pale white Christian only of your teeming shore.

Send these, the Kings, Martha's Vineyard, and golf-tost to me,

I shut my gates beside the golden door!”

When Medical Issues Reboot Eating Disorders

So, the inner dialogue goes like this:

"I'm hungry."

"So, eat something."

"There's nothing I can eat."

"So, don't eat."

"But I'm hungry."

"Maybe a cracker?"

"I could eat a cracker. That would be ok. But what about the salt? I'm not supposed to have a lot of salt."

"True. Maybe skip the cracker."

"Ok. What about yogurt?"

"You're not supposed to eat that either. Dairy is no good for you."

"Yes, but I'm hungry. Maybe half a yogurt?"

"Do you really want to risk it?"

"No. You're right."

"I could have a sandwich. Like maybe with just lettuce?"

"A sandwich takes too long to put together. Maybe you should wait and re-visit this at lunch."

"Ok. Good idea. A sandwich will just make me fat anyway. Bread is evil."

And, at lunch, this conversation will occur again. And at dinner. And at breakfast the next day as my stomach eats a hole into itself and my back aches from it. I take my stomach medicine so the acid doesn't come up during the night and choke me. I sleep with little straw next to my bed just like the doctor told me to. The straws will open up my vocal chords when I am struggling to breathe. I keep the straws everywhere. I look like I have a cocaine problem.

It started with gynecological conditions. Dairy and meat went away. Autoimmune disease - no fried foods. No sugar. Nothing inflammatory. Then, high cholesterol. No more oil. Interstitial cystitis - no coffee, no tea, no nightshades, no nicotine, no citrus, nothing spicy. Kidney stone - no nuts, no calcium (ok some calcium, but not TOO much), drink lots of lemon water and apple cider vinegar (except don't because ulcers and reflux - go check on your straws).

My weight goes down, but it's great because it's not anorexia this time, I'm just following doctor's orders.

I get an x-ray because everything hurts. The tech wraps the x-ray shield around me and proclaims me small. I am confused. The doctor then weighs me and says I don't have a weight problem.

Quacks.

My life, to my great glee, is once again revolving around food restriction.

I am depressed. My doctor gives me Lexapro. I do not take it. It will make me fat. I'm sure of it.

I contract a stomach virus. As I vomit violently, I think to myself that I can't wait to weigh myself in the morning. I lose three pounds. That's all. I am still too heavy. I am sad.

Enter the saltines again. This is what one eats when they've had a stomach virus. I eat this for the next two days - just in case. I do not drink the ginger-ale. It's not good for my reflux, interstitial cystitis or my liver. Water only. I vape obsessively. I was told to quit by my doctors, but I resent them for taking everything away from me and fuck that shit.

I have total control and none at the same time.

Food addiction and related eating disorders are the most difficult ones to treat in my opinion. I am not minimizing the hell of alcoholism and drug addiction, but you cannot avoid food. You have to have it to stay alive. It's like telling any other addict you must have some heroin every day, but not too much.

This morning, as the room spins, I decide on oatmeal. It is simple. It's one thing. The instructions say one cup. I obediently dump exactly one cup into a bowl. Well, that's ridiculous. That's way too much. I take out 1/3. I eat 1/2 of the 1/3. I am suddenly good at math.

Now, I'm hungry again. What the fuck is wrong with me? I just had breakfast! Animal. Go vape and get that shit under control.

And, just like that, I'm sucked back in. It was sneaky this time. I wasn't dieting. Yes, I believed (and believe) I was fat. But I was in remission and doing great (liar). 

At best, the recovery rate for eating disorders is about 60%. At worst, you die. As with any addiction, you are never "cured." You are always in either a state of remission or relapse. It is always present. It follows you around, skulking in your kitchen and under your bed whispering - pretending it is your best friend and is trying to help you. It knows everything about you and uses that knowledge to "feed" you lies.

Even as I type this, I am contemplating the applesauce cups on my kitchen counter. But I just had oatmeal, so I elbow those thoughts in the face and move along. I overfeed my children, along with anyone else's because I have no idea what a normal amount of food is and children can't just eat crackers.

I was afraid to write this. I was afraid that anyone who didn't know this about me would feel sorry for me. Or think I was crazy. Or think I was just being negative and attention seeking. But, a co-worker and I were discussing mental health yesterday, and how the secretiveness of mental illness is a death sentence in the big picture. Sometimes we have to bring out the ugly - the scary. Sometimes we have to speak it, not because we want to, but because we don't want to hide in the shadows clutching the illness' hand trying not to be found.

And then there is the fear of those dreaded words that, without fail, always make an appearance - "Well, you don't look anorexic." Side note: the correct term is "anorectic", which is also a misnomer because we are really fucking hungry. Don't let us fool you. We could out-eat Kobayashi.

Sometimes you want to let that grip go for a minute and say, "You wait here. I have to go talk to someone real quick, but I'll be back". I don't want to go back, but if I don't, it will find me anyway.

And, it will be pissed.

Tears and Recriminations - Our Circumcision Story

I decided to write this blog after scouring the internet for circumcision experiences involving older children, and pretty much coming up empty-handed. I thought maybe writing about our own experiences would help someone else who also couldn't find anything out there.

Our son is 9 years old and has Autism, Tourette's Syndrome, ADHD, and DMDD. His foreskin was never retractable, and as the years passed, a diagnosis of Phimosis was made. While we tried some things at home (under our doctor's guidance) we found that the constant struggle of assisting our very large 9-year-old was becoming stressful and intrusive for him. 

His doctor said circumcision would be necessary. You, like a few other people we've spoken to about this, might ask: "Why didn't you do it at birth?" At the risk of getting into a whole circumcision debate, my simple answer is "It wasn't medically necessary." I am an advocate of leaving boys intact. My advocacy on the subject comes from the fact that most international health organizations no longer recommend "routine" circumcision across the board. If you are in the U.S., here is a helpful article from the American Academy of Pediatrics. 

Because of the above, a lot of insurance companies no longer cover routine circumcision in newborns, as it is considered a cosmetic procedure and not medically necessary. I viewed it as tantamount to reducing a newborn's nose in an effort to make it easier for him to clean it. I feel like nature (God, aliens, whoever) makes our bodies exactly as they should be, and making that choice on behalf of my child did not feel right to me, as it cannot be undone. That is my personal opinion. So, shut up. 

However,  the circumcision debate has been going on for decades in this country, leaving most doctors and medical journals reluctant to give it a firm "yay" or "nay". As in all things new parents must navigate, we make the best decision we can for our children with the available information. This blog post is not about saying whether you should or should not. That's a personal decision for your family to make together. 

There's lots of information out there to help parents make those choices. Inform yourself and do what you feel is best for your baby. For me, I have other family members who are intact, and they have never had a problem with infection, UTI's, or physical abnormalities, so that played a part in our decision as well. Feel free to talk to other penis holders about their experience. I suggest you know them first. Men on line at the supermarket are often taken aback by this line of questioning. 

Ok, now that all that is out of the way - my son's circumcision took place about a week ago today. Here's how it went:

Circumcision at a later age is riskier and more complicated. The blood vessels are much larger, and bleeding risks are increased. However, phimosis can occur at any time during a boy's life and is not a "normal" circumcision process regardless of age.

1) His surgery went well. He was weepy and agitated upon waking up from anesthesia which is a common side effect in children.

2) We were warned that his bandage may fall off as there's not a lot of area to work with when you're a little kid. His bandage fell off as soon as we left the hospital pretty much. 

3) We were also warned about the possibility of a stitch coming out. We knew there'd be lots of blood and we should apply pressure. He popped a stitch at 2 am, and yes there was blood. Applying pressure to an open penis wound is not easy. We are lucky he did not punch us both in the face. We deserved it. 

4) We took him to the E.R. and a special gauze dressing with coagulating properties was applied. The bleeding slowed and eventually stopped completely after a couple of days. After that initial E.R. bleed, it was very light and sporadic. The pinkish discharge that can also occur does not count as bleeding and I'm told is a normal part of the process. Very, very rarely are stitches replaced. They are an extra over the cauterization that takes place, and normally heals ok without them if it happens. If you see bleeding that looks like more than just leakage, call your doctor. Do not fuck around. Blood loss can turn serious very quickly if not addressed. 

5) Ok, here's where it gets gross. The bleeding created a dangling blood clot over the wound. It has been a week, and we are still waiting for this thing to dry up and fall off. *edit - it fell off 6 days after surgery. The same day I wrote this blog* We were told to just leave it alone and wait it out as long as it didn't look like it was growing or bleeding. So, that's what we are doing. We applied a little Neosporin on it as well as the tip of the glans in an effort to make the bandages less sticky. We also use a saline wash to loosen the bandages before removing them. Because his pee stream is all weird and changes direction like me with my outdated GPS, the bandages usually get soaked anyway. We just clean him up with the saline and re-dress the wound. 

6) The doctors originally said he'd be back up and on his feet in two days. To that, I say - bullshit. No fucking way. It's been a week, and he's still walking like this:

7) There is some bruising on the foreskin and the surrounding area. We used ice packs on and off for the first 3 days and that helped with the pain and swelling. Motrin every four hours also seemed to help. Again, your doctor should give you pain management instructions.

8) Here's what I didn't prepare myself enough for - psychologically, this has been very hard on him (and us). Day one, his penis looked like hell. We tried to prepare him for what he would look like after surgery, but the clean, pretty illustrations were clearly representative of a penis healed. Because he's never been able to retract his foreskin, he has never actually seen his penis. So, it looks shorter and swollen and, in his words, "not like a normal penis, but a pig in a blanket". 

That was the part that broke my heart. Seeing him have to adjust to what is essentially a new body part for him. His disabilities make change hard for him to accept, and this was a huge change for him. Had we known he would have these issues, we would have made a different choice at birth. 

But again, you make the best decisions you can with the information you have. 

I hope this post helps another family get some answers they couldn't find elsewhere, or at least gives some insight as to what you might expect. Every case, every kid, every penis is different. 

If you have questions or comments, you can post them below or email me at MorgenVa@gmail.com. I'm happy to share our experience. 

If you have medical questions, don't email me those. I once painted my own lips with nail polish and nearly suffocated. I am ill-equipped. 

Thanks for reading! I know it was super long. 

Edit 9/19/18 - It took several months for his penis to heal and look "normal". As of today, everything is healed, healthy and pain-free, and he has adjusted to it. 

Fifty Shades of Nope

Hi all! I'm back to ruin your "Fifty Shades Freed" movie plans. Happy Valentine's Day!

A few years ago, when "Fifty Shades of Grey" was released on Amazon, I rented it. I had a credit, so it was no skin off my debit card, and I sure as hell wasn't going to invest the time in reading the entire book.

But, I didn't want to comment on something I hadn't even seen, and frankly, I wanted to see what everyone was losing their minds over. I had read excerpts from the book posted online and found it hilarious...initially.

The hilarity faded as I saw Mr. Grey stalk Anastasia, ignore safe words, and flat out abuse her while she bent over backward (almost literally) in an attempt to make him love her. 

She was not at all a willing participant in the BDSM world. And he was no dom. By his own admission, he was a "sadist" who just enjoyed hurting women. The final scene of the movie featured Grey hitting Anastasia several times, and her crying and fleeing the apartment.

What the fuck just happened? Disregard the bad writing of the novel (granted, I'd only read excerpts, but they were poorly written enough for me to get the point), and you're left with an equally bad movie. But kudos for keeping the movie true to the stupidity of the book.

Women surely would not stand for this, I'd thought. All the women who headed out to the movies on Valentine's Day, their boyfriends or husbands in tow, to witness a man emotionally and physically abuse a college student had to have been disgusted with it, right? I mean, teenage girls weren't able to really perceive the abuse that was the Edward and Bella relationship, but these were grown ass women.

No way were they falling for this "oh, poor baby - his mother was a crack whore and he just doesn't know what love is and I can change him" narrative. Women would surely call bullshit on Fifty Shades, wouldn't they?

No. Apparently, not.

So, again, on Valentine's Day, "Fifty Shades Darker" was released. And again, I rented the movie. Because it had to get better.

It didn't.

After Anastasia rids herself of sociopath Christian, he shows up at her friend's art show, dick swinging, and purchases all the photos of Anastasia whom he still views as his property. And she goes right back to him.

Right fucking back.

And this time, she has her sights set on making him a functional human being. She tries landing him by giving in to whatever bullshit he wants while using it as leverage to get things she wants - like an ounce of respect.

Well, that seems healthy.

Oops! Wrong dysfunctional Anastasia.

Fans of the "Fifty Shades" series have touted them for bringing BDSM out of the closet and onto the backs of our toilet tanks and tub edges. But does "Fifty Shades" really understand the BDSM
culture? I think, not.

What E.L. James failed to steal from "Secretary", was the trust, love, and commitment a true Dom/Sub (D/s) relationship needs to have.

She led millions of women everywhere to believe that a man with gross emotional problems and sociopathic tendencies who abuses and stalks a partner, really just needs someone to understand him and show him what "real" love is. I can't think of a more dangerous message.

It's an ever-growing theme in "women's" literature: the theme of abuse/domination = love. It perpetuates the age-old problem of women making excuses for abusive behavior and believing that if they just love him more, he will change. True BDSM relationships do not work this way.

In my blog post, The Victimization of Women in Romance Novels, I address the increasing popularity of romance novels that feature possessive, domineering men who seek to possess, control and own women. The "Fifty Shades" books are the catalyst for the increasing demand for such fiction.

(I tried to find a GIF to put here, but they all contained shapeshifters and aliens and shit, so here's one of Peter Dinklage for no reason.)

As we wear the Pussy Hat and march on Washington, it would be great if we could also demand more from our movies and literature. There is a difference between exploring our sexuality and supporting dysfunctional messages about relationships. So, as you make your Valentine's Day plans, maybe contemplate the message "Fifty Shades" sends women (and frighteningly, men) about love and romance. Never ignore the red flags in a relationship.

And, in case you're not sure what the red flags might be, here's a partial list;

1) If he has a tracker on your phone so he can "always find you", or you find him in your apartment, and you never gave him a key - run.

2) If he ignores safe words and seems to enjoy hurting you - run.

3) If he consistently attempts to talk you into to shit you don't want to do - run.

4) If he refers to you as his "property" at any time - run.

5) If he tells you this is just who he is and cannot change - believe him.

If you have trouble doing any of the above for any reason, contact these people - The National Center for Victims of Crime - Stalking Safety Plan

And, here's a list of other shit you can go see on Valentine's Day.  New Movies

If you want danger, go bungee jumping. You're more likely to come out of that unharmed than you would trying to change an abusive asshole.

Now, here's my all-time favorite trailer for "Fifty Shades of Grey" starring the great Steve Buscemi.

Happy V-Day Y'all!

Why We Need to Stop Calling Ansari Aziz a Rapist

Oh, god. I didn't want to say all this. But, I have to.

It's been eating away at me while I wait for us all to have the conversation that needs to be had.

And we're not. I've been watching weeks of debate about the Ansari Aziz incident.  Is he a sex offender? Is he just pushy and rude? Is he stupid? Women, once again, have divided themselves over this issue. On one side, we have those who feel he sexually assaulted Grace during that date. On the other, we have people accusing her of regretting the consensual sex they had.

Most of us have been there. Most of us have felt overly pressured or coerced into sex acts we didn't want to engage in. But, we did - and regretted it.

So, I am going to preface what I'm about to say next by first saying that I believe every word of Grace's account of the date. I believe he was pushy, aggressive and intimidating. I believe she felt coerced, violated and angry. I am not here to discount or analyze how any woman feels about a sexual encounter, nor am I implying that he wasn't wrong in his actions.

But, Ansari Aziz is not a rapist. By the account given, he did not sexually assault her. And, we need to stop calling it assault.

Brock Turner is a rapist. Emily Doe was a victim of rape.

Larry Nassar is a rapist. All 150 women who stood against him recently were victims of sexual assault.

We have been calling people like Al Franken and Garrison Keillor out on their "sexual assault," and I feel like it's hurting the conversation about sexual violence.

What happened to Grace is a symptom of a much bigger problem: why do women feel like they can't safely say "no" and leave if they are able?

I feel like the answer is the rape culture we have been raised in. Since the beginning of humanity, women have been treated as property. We have been conditioned to accept the will of men and to be compliant with abuse, aggression, and intimidation. We have been taught to be "obedient," and compliant.

Men, in turn, have been taught that women must be all of the above as well. If a woman says "no," perhaps she is just being coy or playing "hard to get." Perhaps if he asks 500 more times, she will 'give in". And, sometimes we do. The man, as it seems to be in Aziz's case, decides she really does like him after all, and secretly wanted sex all the while. Women, like Grace, go home feeling violated.

Spending generations in a rape culture which is prevalent in T.V., books, movies, and the workplace, there is a desensitization that occurs. Perhaps it's due to generations of boys and men being taught to be "tough," aggressive, and unemotional. I don't know, and it's not an excuse to ignore the initial word "no."

But the conversation needs to focus on why women still do not feel safe enough to say "You know what? No. I'm not going to hang out and watch Netflix. I am leaving because I'm uncomfortable with you."

For me, I know that the times I have stayed and regretted something I did, there was a fear that if I said no, things might turn violent anyway. I questioned if I was allowed to say "no" to someone I liked. The boundaries were confusing. I came from a childhood of sexual abuse and was raped as a young woman. Those boundaries would have been a lot clearer had I not been raised in a culture that seeks to silence women. And, the boundaries would have been clearer to the boys/men I didn't think I could say no to had they not been raised to be "dominant."

In my blog, The Victimization of Women in Romance, I address (albeit more lightly) the fact that we are still confusing domination with love. Books and movies like "Fifty Shades of Grey" and "Twilight" are still teaching women that we should want to be controlled and dominated. That to be controlled is to be loved.

And, we are buying the books and movie tickets in record numbers.

This is where the conversation needs to be. We should be dismantling the system that tells us it's not ok to say "no" and leave because it feels wrong. Being pressured and coerced does not mean the man loves you so much he just cannot help himself.

Yes, we need to call out every person who violates another sexually and stand firmly against it.

But, throwing the words "assault" and "rape" around because a man puts his hand on your back during a photo op (as in Keillor's case) is giving those who seek to discredit the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements the ammunition to do it.

Our words need to have power. Desensitizing people to the word "rape" is a dangerous path to tread. Calling coercion "assault" takes away from what assault is, as well as the severity of it.

I feel terribly for Grace. Ansari made her feel a way that no women would feel had there been "enthusiastic consent." Yes, he should have read her signals better. Yes, he acted like a pig.

But, this was not an assault. As unpopular as my opinion on this might be, I need to reclaim these words for sexual violence, or else mine, as well as others experiences, lose meaning if they are lumped in with every date on which the man acts like an ass.

If you have been assaulted, harassed or coerced and need to speak with someone, click under the heart below to find your local chapter of RAINN. They are there to listen, and not to judge. Your feelings about any sexual encounter should be honored, no matter what the circumstance. Speaking out is how we dismantle this broken world we live in.

RAINN

Love Letter

We were nothing. The universe was black and silent. And, in a flash of light, we collided. Entire systems exploded into the nothing. We could see.

Stars grew and shined. Some retracted into themselves and faded back into the silence and the dark. Others expanded - reaching out to warm the empty spaces. We grieved the loss of the smaller stars while the giants burned in indignation and rejection.

So young, we were.  So narrow our vision. We saw only what went missing. We saw the negative space between the suns.

We wished we were warmer as the flames around us burned hotter in compliance. But, we grew colder still.

Our eyes adjusted to the light too quickly. What was once a white burning supernova, seemed dim as the darkness crept in our peripheral vision.  A quiet, titanic sleep was upon us.

We two young planets were plunged back into the night. But, we will wake someday soon. We will be born again in the same darkness.

Next time, let's see the sun.

An Open Letter to My City Council

Dear Mayor Panto and Council Members,

I want to make the council aware that, as of December 31st 2017, four violent, registered sex offenders are living in the Hotel Lafayette.

This does not include transient, out of state offenders who may not have registered with PA Megan's Law.

On December 31st, I went into the Hotel Lafayette to confront the manager in regards to this issue, as parents were given assurances from Easton Arts Academy and law enforcement that pedophiles would not be residing in such close proximity to the school.

Just two weeks ago, I spoke to a police officer who assured me that no sex offenders were living there, and that law enforcement was keeping a frequent eye on the hotel.

The manager told me that not only does he not check ID's or backgrounds of "tenants", but has no intention of asking offenders to leave. He claimed he doesn't own a computer and doesn't even know how to use one to do a basic Megan's Law check to ensure the safety of his other guests as well as the children who attend the school across the street.

The police were called and they stated that the neighbors on the street were notified, and they were unsure of the laws about proximity to schools, but would check into it.

I notified the school and received a phone call from Joanna Hughes, the CEO of the Easton Arts Academy.

She told me the school was informed and photos were hung in their office, but no further measures were taken. She told me that parents were never given assurances as to the cleaning up of the hotel and that "pedophiles have rights too."

I asked her why my post via the school's FB page, to warn other parents to be aware, was blocked, and she stated that she thought it may be illegal to share information from Megan's Law - a public information site.

I also stated to her that the law says that no more than five registered sex offenders can be living in one place ( Section 42 Pa.CS 9799.25 (f) of Megan's Law) and if found, the owner of the residence or "boarding house" will be fined between $2500 and $5000 for the offense. 

She stated to me that the school "can't do anything about it". I find this horrifying. 

I have pulled my son out of the school as I no longer feel safe having him attend a school where the administration takes zero action to ensure the safety of its students and staff. They chose to build their school across the street from a building which is "something straight out of an Alfred Hitchcock movie". So, in my opinion, they need to be more diligent.

As of now, these offenders below list the Hotel Lafayette as their primary residence. While Megan's Law does not routinely dictate where a registered sex offender can live, some individual offenders are restricted from living near schools and daycares. This information is not being followed up on as far as I can tell.

Robert William McCullough - Repeat, violent predator

Eric Orlando Garcia - Tier 3 sex offender

Patrick Joseph Boscia Jr - Sexually Violent Predator

Neil James Albright - Tier 3 sex offender

While these men may, or may not, have personal restrictions on where they can live, the fact that there are four living in the hotel unchecked is alarming. Who will be checking to make sure the hotel is fined accordingly if one more checks in?

Criminals and dangerous offenders choose the hotel because they are asked nothing about who they are. Robert McCullough works at the Bayou in Easton (as listed on the Megan's Law site) and stated to another employee that he was not required to show ID or even give his name when moving into the hotel.

I respectfully request that the council address this issue and offer parents some resolution as to what measures will be taken to ensure the law is being followed.

Ms. Hughes' flippant attitude and suppression of information to parents is unacceptable. They worry more about the status of their charter than the safety of their students in my opinion.

I would love the opportunity to have this issue brought to the calendar for discussion and resolution.

Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.